disillusioned - adjective
Defined As: having lost faith or trust in something : disappointed that something is not as good, valuable, true, etc., as it had seemed
having lost one's ideals, illusions, or false ideas about someone or something; disenchanted
I had thought that one day, someday, I would find something that makes me feel as though the sun is shining brightly even during the worst storm in the past decade was swirling around me. Unfortunately, the world is full of humans who are selfish, ignorant, and treat others without compassion. I have tried several times to write a new beginning post here. Wiping away the entries by putting them into draft status, or even going so far as wiping them out completely (after saving them on a disc or flash drive somewhere first) usually helps. However, this time... this time is different. I am different. Ever changing as the sky changes colors through the day, the seasons, sometimes even the hour.
Several times over the years I have thought also about putting an end to this blog. Most people have a hard time getting a blog started. While I feel that I just wanted to write, and share my thoughts, I did. Yes, now and again I had tried to make a little cash from the blog, but never really did. I'm fine with that, it wasn't the reason the blog was started in the first place. It was started to voice my thoughts and opinions about the world around me and my place in it. I wanted to state what I have seen and how it made me feel. I wanted to express feelings. It never mattered to me to raise an audience. It didn't bother me if no one read or commented, and it still doesn't make that big of a difference.
The issue I have is that I do not go out into the world as much as I once did. Other than work, grocery shopping, the occasional outing, and (when the holidays are over and my schedule isn't running me ragged) the gym, I stay at home. I can't really afford going out and doing things. Even the cheap movie seats are sometimes too expensive. Now and again the Little Lady is capable of dragging me out, and I don't mind that she does, but the comfort of home rings so deeply that I prefer being there. If I have a need to go out and be around *gag* people, then I go to the mall and wander around window-shopping. I get enough people-watching in, maybe even actually purchase a few small sale items, then I go home.
I still love reading. I am again trying my hand at writing short stories. I have fallen in love with a few television shows, and still love others that have been on for years. Gaming-wise, I am a Skyrim Addict and should probably be put into some kind of mental institution (where they allow you to play Skyrim for as long as you want). I accidentally deleted the game last night from my Xbox. Yeah.. I did that. I redownloaded the game and immediately recreated my character. I went ahead and started the new game but didn't get far before bedtime. The only reason that I am not truly upset about this is because the glitches in my main game are gone. Hopefully, I'll be able to prevent them in this new game because it is really annoying not to be able to remove something from your inventory for a quest where someone died. And yes, I'm rambling.
I don't really want to go on any kind of rant about society. It pains me to see all the hatred in the world. It hurts to see all the suffering going on. It's even worse knowing that suffering is caused by someone who just didn't care. The sun is shining right now and it's a bright spot in the day. Wouldn't it be nice if people just stopped to lift their face to the sunshine and breathed in the cold air and say "I'm going to spread compassion today."?
Every day I am nice. Every single fucking day I am kind. People even say that I am patient or good. Personally, I am none of those things without effort. Even playing a game like Skyrim, I am nice. Do you have any idea how fucked up in the head you have to be to be kind in a game that you're allowed to go batshit crazy and kill everyone and everything? Every time a damned guard asks me "What's wrong? Did someone steal your sweetroll?" I want to beat them to death. I know it's a joke from the previous game (which I didn't play, I found that out reading a blog about Skyrim) but it infuriates me to the point that I wish my character could tell them "YES, you mother fucking cocksucker, someone DID steal my sweetroll!"* but she cannot because it isn't in the pre-defined conversations.
As you can see, this blog is still full of the wonders of sarcasm and profanity. Those things will always be here, they are my favorite languages. I speak fluently in them. The Demon that plagues me with Anger and Rage is still there, sitting below the surface. I hide her face so well that people don't believe she exists. I take a moment and explain to them that I am not a nice person, not truly. They don't understand. Then when I have a bad day where I say something a little too sharp, they freak out. Which pisses me off. Every other person can flip out and snap at you and it's all roses, but because I left the box that YOU put me in... and had a bad day or a bad moment, I'm held accountable.
I don't like being labeled any more than anyone else in the entire universe. And it isn't right to be held to such a lofty status that the word 'nice' entails. I truly can't believe people have the audacity to think that I am nice. I don't ask about their lives. I don't ask about their children or their partners unless there is nothing else to talk about and the weather conversation... I hate small talk. Those who I ask about the kids, the partners, their families, work, etc? Those are the people I care about. The ones I could call at 4am with an emergency and they would be on their way to hold my hand, if need be, or just listen to me cry over the phone. I've never taken advantage of it though. I try to keep my crises, if they happen, during daylight hours. I suppose I could be afraid that they wouldn't answer.
Staying home, being forcibly cuddled by Peanut, and watching tv or playing a game makes me feel relaxed. Do I get lonely? Sometimes. Then I visit Twitter and Facebook and see all the drama that simply makes me wish I had the power to reboot the system. And by system I mean this entire planet. It is the holiday season and there are protesters in the streets. There are people looting and burning down buildings. There are people killing each other, whether accidental or purposefully, people are dying. Every single life matters and we treat life as if it were a commodity. We buy and sell our souls every day.
Alright, I suppose I will get off of this semi-rant now.
Go outside. Feel the sunshine on your face. Is it raining? Snowing? Do it anyway. Go outside, close your eyes and tilt your face up to the sky. Be thankful that you are here. Be thankful that you can feel. Be grateful for the people in your life who are nice to you, yes including the ones like me who aren't nice (because if someone who isn't nice is being nice to you that means you haven't been added to their List). Smile at someone (in as non-creepy way as possible). Wish them a happy holiday or season's greetings. Celebrate Christmas? Then wish them a merry one. Remember to wish them Good Health and Happiness for the New Year as well. Spread some Joy, dammit.
(*I've never kept a sweetroll long enough to be stolen, if I bother to pick one up at all and any attempts would be met with something very painful in the offender's head.)