Starting and ....

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There are several posts that I've started and haven't finished. They simply sit there in draft status and wait to be touched again. Unfortunately, most of my writing here is when I'm fuming about something or other. If I don't write it to completion, then I will probably never go back to it because I'm no longer upset or realize that it was stupid to be upset in the first place.

I have hardly written a thing in the past couple of months. Yes, it's driving me absolutely batshit crazy. Yet, I can't seem to pull myself out of the rut. It's a pretty deep one and for some reason I'm content to sit down at the bottom of it and do nothing.

Not that I'm completely out of it. I'm doing my job every day. I'm trying to get cleaning done on a regular basis at home. I'm constantly drumming up ideas for stories. Some things that are keeping me stuck is that I'm not writing and research that I'm doing is more like hitting a brick wall. 

I'm trying to go back to basics. Write a little something every day, like this post here. The simple fact is that I am someone who absolutely has to write on a regular basis or end up in some kind of state mental institution. It doesn't matter what I write, whether it be a blog post or a 30,000 word story, it has to be something. Unfortunately for me, since it can be pretty much anything to help me relieve stress, anger, or some other unlucky emotion that chose to visit me, that means I tend to let things go fallow.

It's a good thing I don't have a garden. (I have a hard enough time caring for two plants. I keep having to replace my orchids, which makes me sad. Even though I follow the care instructions they seem to have no care to grow back the next season. However the jade tree looks amazing.)

I started touching my 750 words account again. Once again I promised myself I would write there every single day again when the new month starts. While I haven't signed up for a 30-day challenge, perhaps I should. The fact that if I didn't complete my words each day meant that I would end up on the Wall of Shame just might kick my ass into gear.

I like that it doesn't matter what I write there since no one will see it, not even me, unless I download the files and start combing through them (which I have previously to see if there are any story ideas locked away in there that I can utilize).

If you are like me right now, remember the baby steps. I have them memorized. Start slow, start little, write every thought that comes to mind. Do it every single day. Something will come from it. Now go, get off of here and write your own stuff down. 

The Mediator or The Diplomat

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smelltheroses.jpgAt some point in our lives we are issued some form of 'what group do you belong in' psychology test. It could be something Myers-Briggs related or the DISC test most companies use. Regardless of the type, though, it slaps a label on you. Nothing new there, though. We label ourselves and each other all the time. I wanted to discuss my labels.

Regardless of what test I take I always end up with a high level of introversion. I am an introvert. However, I am also a personable introvert. I have had people laugh at me asking what the heck is that? Usually, when you tell someone you're an introvert they cringe like something slimy just touched them. There are possibly introverts nodding at that statement. I'm not sure when being an introvert became a bad thing, but it's really not a bad thing. When people think 'introvert' they see some 45yo who lives in their parents' basement playing video games.

Back to the meaning of personable introvert. You know those people who talk to everyone, regardless of what clique they might be a part of? If there is a party, they will slowly work their way through the party. When enough people have seen them, or they feel that they've been well-socialized, then *poof* they are gone. They say their goodbyes, or maybe just to the host, and vanish.

If you ask those people later on about the personable introvert they'll be like 'oh yeah, I know them, but not that well' or 'oh yeah, they are really nice.'. If you were to ask their favorite color, food, or something, they'd stop and think and shake their head. They wouldn't know unless they were a close friend. And if they were a close friend, depending on the nature of the question, they would also most likely not answer.

At work they are nice to everyone. Coworkers, customers, visitors, the vending machine guy. They'll help with doors, answer questions, and even offer water, coffee, or tea. They appear to be social creatures who enjoy being around people, when the truth is, they are being kind to get the people to go away faster so they can continue on whatever it is they are in the process of doing. Unfortunately, due to their kind nature, it tends to blow up in their face.

Personable Introverts are just like regular introverts, accept they put on an exterior shell called 'my fake extrovert mask' and hope to get through a day without having every ounce of energy drained from them. They also tend to be somewhat empathic, or they may be VERY empathic. Depending on how well their emotional walls are built, this extra-sensory perception could also fluctuate. Basically, this means they suck up your emotions, whether they are good or bad, like a sponge.

When you take any kind of introvert and put them in an environment with many others nearby, such as Cubeland, they are most likely only going to leave their cube when they absolutely need to do so. The reason behind this is they may hear every person around them, but they can't see them. Deep down inside they pretend they aren't there and they try to tune them out. It's helpful if they have a job where they can wear headphones or listen to music at a reasonable volume.

Due to these lovely 'tests' I usually end up being labeled the Diplomat or the Mediator. I want everyone to get along and I want everyone to be happy. However, I don't feel that is a good answer to what I actually want. What I truly want (what I reall really want) is for people to be honest, trustworthy, and to believe in themselves. I want people to say "let us agree to disagree" instead of getting hot-headed. I want people to be accepting.

Now, don't get me wrong, obviously terrorizing people or molesting children or raping and killing are not acceptable. However, do I care if men want to marry other men? No. Do I care if women want to marry other women? No. Do I care if four, six, or ten people want to be in a polyamorous relationship together? No.

What I care about is that they found a way that life works for them. They found a way to live happily and (hopefully) peacefully. There isn't any harm being done to themselves or others. They treat everyone respectfully. They don't go out of their way to shove the way they have chosen to live their life into other people's faces (the whole, I don't care what you do or who you are, just stay off my lawn, way of life).

All in all.. I just want people to take a step back, evaluate their thoughts, take another step back, then breathe deeply in and out a few times really slowly before telling others that what they think, feel, say, do, want, love, hate, etc, are bad or wrong. I'd also like it if people would stop worrying about what others think about them. Their opinion shouldn't matter. Your opinion of yourself is what matters the most and if you are a good person who does good things, or at the very least, is trying to be good, then leave it at that.

Did you feed the family? Did you make money to pay your bills? Did you use that money to feed the family and pay the bills? Did you do your best at work today? Did you take time out for yourself to stop and 'smell the roses'? You do not have to sacrifice all of your being for others. That's where we end up with hate and drama and pent-up anger.

Now.. go out and smell the roses.

Say vs Do

This is a seriously opinionated post. I'm turning comments off.


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stop.jpgDear Motivational Speaker,

First, your 'special terms' for the different aspects of people are not quirky, they are kind of stupid. You basically took terms and read off synonyms and definitions and then said 'this is what it means if you're this type'. Also, I'd like to say that people who are creative, whether it be building, designing, or other forms of art-worthy terms you read off your list, do enjoy the outcome of the project. Yes, the process of creating something is enjoyable, depending on who you're doing it for or why. However, seeing a finished project and the respect you have (hopefully) gained from people who see the finished product is a huge bonus. Telling our managers not to reward the creatives in the business after a project is finished is not only rude, you're basically saying "just keep piling the work on them so they are always 'in the process' and they'll always be content!"

Thanks, but no thanks. I've known tons of creative people over the years, in many forms of creativity, and they are always thrilled with their finished project. They wear the stuff they knit or sew. They use the stuff they build. They don't toss it in the back corner of the closet or shed and whine that it's perfect but meh, I don't want anything to do with it now that it's over. 

Second, I really didn't care to hear about how wonderful your life turned out to be. Great for you, working for that incredible organization and all. I'm sorry that becoming a parent and retiring from that incredible organization was such a trying time for you in your early 30s. 

Third... please get out of motivational speaking. The only thing you motivated in me was the wish the day would go quickly so I could get home with a nice, slow evening full of doing something creative, cooking dinner, and watching a favorite tv show. 

Thanks for wasting an hour and half of my day, it was the best part of your speech.

Funny vs Mean

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mean.jpgI see this meme all the time. I see it on facebook, I see it on twitter. This image I found over on pinterest. But, seriously, I have probably seen this a thousand and one times over the past several months.

I am quite sure that I have shared it at some point. You probably have as well. Seeing this phrase may have even made you chuckle a little and think 'yeah, that's me!' but did you stop and think about why? Are you really a mean person?

I consider myself a mean person and there are several people who know me will tell you outright that I am not mean at all. However, these people don't see the inner me, they see the public me. They don't know who I am inside my head. So when I say "I'm not really nice." I actually do mean it. 

The number of times I have had people try to contradict me on this statement astounds me. They do it because I have done something nice or without arguing. I covered their ass. I did an assignment for them. I helped them out with a project. That's why they think I am a nice person. What they don't know is that I complain inside my head (and on twitter) about things that would probably make them blush, or make them outright angry.

Let me introduce you to a saga by Jacqueline Carey called Kushiel's Legacy. In the second set of books she officially introduces you to Imriel in depth. This is after he's been rescued from a nightmare of being abused and tortured in the previous book. His goal is very simple. All you have to do is pick up Kushiel's Scion and read the back. It states "I will try to be good." That is his goal in life. It isn't wanting to be good. It isn't even being good. He says I will TRY. He will make an effort to be good. 

That is how I feel. I try to be good. Good to myself, good to others. 

I try to make good decisions. I try not to let the way other people treat me affect who I am, but that's a crock, right? Everyone everywhere is affected by something someone else has done or said. If they weren't, then we would be a bunch of emotionless automatons. I feel, therefore I exist. I have emotions, therefore I feel. I am broken, because I have been hurt.

We have such a great capacity to hurt others. There doesn't even have to be any form of actual gain to the person doing the hurting. Have I hurt people? Yes. I have hurt people. Did I do so intentionally? Sometimes, yes I damn well did. Do I feel bad about hurting someone intentionally? See, there's the rub. Not always. I have reasons for the things I do and yes, I know it's not right to hurt others, but then there's that lovely phrase "I will try to be good." and that is what I do. I try, and try again. 

We have so many chances to try to be good. To make good choices. Unfortunately, when it comes to making good choices, it isn't always clear cut whether or not the choice you make will actually turn out to be a good choice. It could be an instant knowledge that "Yes! That was an excellent choice." and then there are the "Oh, holy crap, what the fuck just went sideways and WHY?"

I will always try to be good, but like any human, I am an imperfect being and there are times where I fail utterly to be good. Let's take something I learned from a little movie called Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure: Be Excellent To Each Other. If you can't do that, then try to be good. 

About Disillusioned

Disillusioned is a personal view of the world around me. A lot of information will be about books I read, or shows/movies I watch but sometimes there will be something that simply has to be pointed out and shredded. With Joy.

Disillusioned is best viewed in 1280x800 resolution.

To contact me you can email me by way of disillusioned at, comments are open for business with approval.


About Chelle

Yeah, that's me! I am 25 37, I live in Ohio. I have one beautiful teenage daughter and one lovable cat. I enjoy writing, reading, television, anime and annoying my daughter. I'm also trying to learn Japanese because I want to visit Japan someday. Yes, I'm over 30 and I like anime, do you have an issue with that?

If you really wish to know even more about how fantastic I truly am, here you go: About Me

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Michelle C. Miller
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