Vicious Mindset

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This post is not something I would normally post here due to the amount of anger and irritation boiling inside of me.  I'm drinking at the moment though so I'm slowed down just enough that I won't do anything stupid.  I know, most people who drink and write do stupid things, but I tend to do them in anger, like the rest of society.  Feel free to continue now that you've been warned.


I've never before thought about how to describe myself when I get in one of my "Why can't people just leave me the hell alone", or "Why the hell did I bother getting out of bed today" (which the answer to that particular part of the question is because I have to go collect a paycheck) moods. Usually, I just consider I'm in a bad mood, I didn't get enough sleep, or actually I should say, restful sleep, because I do sleep, it just does nothing for me.  Therefore sleep is for the weak, since apparently I don't have any need of restful, rejuvenating sleep. This is usually one of those days that I can shake the anger off or dull it with sugar, chocolate or Midol.

Today however there wasn't any getting out of it. The demon was right below the surface and I even glimpsed it in my seemingly incandescent eyes this morning.  I hadn't glanced in the mirror first thing. I hit the switch for the softer lights and started washing my face. When I looked up my normally icy pale blue eyes were very blue, an electric blue full of sparks. Have you ever flinched looking into your own eyes? Yeah, it was like that. I've battled my anger issues for years and I started putting up the walls as I got dressed, trying to wall away the bubbling malaise. 

These are the reasons I tend to not have much to do with people in general. I hate to say it but I'm easily pissed off, especially if you try to deny something I've asked or said to you on more than one occasion and then try to tell me I'm overreacting when there isn't any emotion whatsoever coming from me.  These are the things that started chipping at the walls and eventually they started to crack.

I even tried apologizing when I wasn't at fault other than possibly being more blunt than usual. Yes, more blunt. Color me sarcastic.

I started out having a strained feeling in my left-eye after awhile and that triggered the wonderful news from the optometrist yesterday which was a touch worrying. (Apparently my astigmatism is bad enough that lasik won't help my left eye at all, I'd have to get cataract surgery and in my mid-40s I risk the retina detaching. YAY!) I took an Advil and moved on with my day.  The demon was still there, happily watching through my eyes, straining the need to be polite to my coworkers.  I think those I talk to often enough knew there was a problem today because I was even more quiet than I am normally and didn't really involve myself in conversations with anyone.  These are the days I wish I had a real office with a real door that I could close and lock.  I don't even have a proper cubicle.  If I want to hide I have to go visit someone.  This doesn't really compute when I need to stay away from people due to overflowing anger issues.  (Why yes, I was typing that with my head tilted to the right, as if listening to the voices because they had a good idea... )

Today I specifically moved through each task, taking my time to make sure they were done properly, to keep myself busy, ferociously segregated from others as much as possible. I wasn't the only one having a bad day, though, which is somewhat of a comfort.  Perhaps it was just one of those days where everyone feels like 'holy hell what am I doing here' which 99.9% of the people experience. 

I didn't take any Midol because I'm only currently carrying one. I did get a piece of chocolate from the kitchen. There's a huge weightloss contest going on right now so everyone is bringing in all their sweets (those that are participating anyway) so they can get them out of their house, so the rest of us are bombarded with 'here have some candy' all day.  I have decent willpower, even on days I want to get my 2x4 and beat people with it until the walls bleed.

Yes, it was one of those days. I even asked if I could have it. I was told no. That's right, I was told no. The normal response is a laugh and being told it's in back in the corner or sure I'll bring it up for you. (Of course it never does get brought up, but that's a *good* thing.)  I gave one of those squinty 'you just told me no' looks and tried to pull the 'why would you tell me no' look (it failed). That's when I was told this person considered me to be in a Vicious Mindset and that's why I couldn't have it.  I agreed, I had been in a very vicious mood today.  I wanted to turn the walls red.  But I didn't.  I did my work and I checked it.  I was cordial to everyone who called the office when I covered the desk.  I finished my tasks for the day, on time, and came home.  

I've been sitting here typing this out, looking at facebook, twitter, listening to IHeartRadio to help me calm down... oh yeah and drinking some fruity V8 splash with vodka.  Yes, I like vodka. I do prefer Smirnoff. Which means if you get a bottle or a case (nothing opened please) and don't like it, send it to me.  

So that was pretty much how I felt today without any detail as to who or what caused it.  Doesn't that make you so very happy? I'm sure.  I hope anyone who reads this and feels like I do will take the time out of their busy day to find a way to control it, find a way to keep calm, don't do anything stupid. Stupid sends you to jail, gets you fired and many other horribly bad things.  These are the reasons the walls are still beige.  

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Disillusioned is a personal view of the world around me. A lot of information will be about books I read, or shows/movies I watch but sometimes there will be something that simply has to be pointed out and shredded. With Joy.

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About Chelle

Yeah, that's me! I am 25 37, I live in Ohio. I have one beautiful teenage daughter and one lovable cat. I enjoy writing, reading, television, anime and annoying my daughter. I'm also trying to learn Japanese because I want to visit Japan someday. Yes, I'm over 30 and I like anime, do you have an issue with that?

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This page contains a single entry by Chelle published on January 10, 2012 5:31 PM.

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Michelle C. Miller
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