US CONFIDENTIAL COVERSHEETS (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
April 2012 Archives
Oh the things I did this weekend were as little as possible, which is quite disappointing because I had so much planned. I did laundry, which is a necessity since I only have one week's worth of work clothes. I'm poor. I can't afford closets and closets full of clothing. Although I tend to buy a new piece here and there, usually pants because every other day I feel that size 4 is too tight and on the other days size 5 is too tight. I don't want to move up to a 6. I ended up buying a pair of size 6 pants Friday though. Anyway.
I'd like to introduce a new category here at Disillusioned. You all hear about what tv shows, movies, anime I watch and books I read, so why not what music I listen to as well? Once you even read about a game, Final Fantasy 12, the only post in the GamerGirl category. Ooops, there are other games played and beaten but I never got around to reviewing them. I'm still playing Need For Speed: Carbon though I have beaten the game. Onward to music.
Part of the Mood Music Group (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Bush-Sea of Memories
Dearest Friend of my Heart;
While I appreciate having you in my life for so many reasons I'm going to have to let you go. You are holding me back from my true potential and I don't think I can deal with you properly any longer. I appreciate the things that you have done for me but it's causing me pain to keep you around so I must say goodbye. It honestly hurts me to do this because of how you warm me from the inside out when I'm cold, how I can visualize you around me like a cloak and feel your protection guarding me from the maelstrom that surrounds me on a daily basis.
However, if I want to have the positive happy things in my life happen to me and not just others around me then I have to let you go, your cousins as well. They seem to get their claws in me and burn so brightly that I can't see. You're like a toddler throwing a tantrum, hanging onto my leg and no matter how hard I shake you won't let go. You make me yell and scream and rage against everything and anything. You make me feel good but only for a short period of time. Then it all comes crashing back down around me and all that's left are ashes.
Yes, I am afraid of this, of being out in the world without you, but I think it's time to rip the band-aid off, toss the crutch into the corner as I'd rather hobble and limp along then to need you to continue holding me up. So goodbye my dear friend Rage/Anger/Resentment/Spite/and all your other aunts/uncles/cousins. Goodbye. I'm going to move on without you. I'm going to do my best to be positive and happy-go-lucky and sickeningly sweet that people's teeth hurt when they see me.
Being without you will be extremely rough because I am so used to you insulating me from the rest of the world out there as they wait to tear down my walls and take advantage of me every which way they can. I'll still have my walls but they will be filled with light and acceptance as they always are, walls that protect me from the harshness of everyone else out there. The walls will insulate me with warmth as you once did but in a way that helps me see what doors are open and the best route for me to take in life.
I will do my best to become less... disillusioned with the world I see around me, although I tend to accept it as it is, with all that crazy and drama and wrongfulness going on. I personally cannot change anyone other than myself, therefore I will change myself as best I can. I make no promises as to when this metamorphosis will be complete or if it will ever truly be over one day. I can only try at the very least but at I am going to put forth the effort to do so.
If you have any suggestions or want to try along with me, shedding the anger and annoyance and petty attitude, the resentment you have towards friends/family/coworkers please share your story in the comments below. Feel free to link to this post and have a beautiful Tuesday.
First off, if you've never ever been over to Pajamas & Coffee (lovingly known as PJ&C) you haven't lived or laughed properly. BUT WAIT! Don't go there, yet, stay here and read my review of MaryMac's hilarious new docu-novel ebook called the Hump Day Diaries because it's just that freaking great.