April 2012 Archives


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When someone tells me something in *confidentiality* I actually like to keep it that way.  Sometimes I'll gossip and say I overheard something but I won't indicate who I heard it from and won't state the actual words that were said but paraphrase it.  Also, that's generally work-related stuff and I want verification on something from another person.  Usually it's me asking a question about something in particular about whatever I heard to find out from others if there is a Drop of Truth in the Bucket of Rumors Full of Holes.  What irks me is the whole inquisition about who I heard something from.  Then they tell me who they heard something from and usually it's the same person.  I just want to know 'is this true?' not 'who is spreading what'.

So it irritates me.  If you tell me something in confidence there's no need for me to sign a non-disclosure agreement.  Hell, I can even pretend to be surprised if someone else you told tells me the secret you shared with them.  Also, I'll probably forget it a few hours later as my mind gets muddled with other things that are going on around me, in my personal life, etc.  It goes into the vault.  The vault is so full of cobwebs from how rarely I visit it that nothing gets out.  Now if you refresh my memory it'll all come flooding back and then retreat back into the depths of darkness that is my mind shortly after that.  

I had a new close friend share something with me and while it was weighing on me a little bit I felt good because I was there for her to listen to what she had to say, give her my thoughts on the topic and help her figure out what direction to go in.  She is also friends with others at work and I mentioned to someone 'maybe send her a happy or a funny email to cheer her up a bit' and they immediately had to know why she was down.  I told them I couldn't say, I was sworn to secrecy and then moved onto something else.  It isn't my place to share secrets.  I don't care for rumors, they cause drama and problems and the whole 'they said this and they said that' which causes everyone to become angry, confused, hurt and then everything starts falling apart.  

I just can't understand why private things can't remain private.  This is why I don't tell anyone anything.  No one truly knows who I am deep down inside.  Some people know I write erotica, most people don't know even that about me.    And if I know that you tend to tell others about everything you hear then I will not share any of my deep dark secrets with you.  You'll only ever hear how I want to make the walls bleed and who pissed me off.  All you'll see is how angry I always am and hear about the latest book I'm reading or the funny tweet I read earlier.  But you'll never know who I am because if I can't trust you with a secret then you have no right to know who I am.  And unlike Eminem, I am not who you say I am.  I'm just me, a supposedly quiet introvert who has few friends and many acquaintances.

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So there is this local business that has a double sign hanging on their building and on each side they put pithy sayings that are supposed to make you think about how you are treating yourself and others or the world in general. Sometimes they are religious and sometimes not.  Sometimes they come out of a book and sometimes people will rent the sign to congratulate someone.  The other day I noticed that one of the sayings were "Use kind words, they are hard to resent" or somewhere along those lines.

It made me think.  I work very hard at being nice to people (which I say very often, I know, but I can't seem to make enough of a point there) and I know that other people can be kind as well.  A lot of times I notice that when I do say nice or kind things to people who I really do actually like they give me these 'yeah whatever' remarks back.  It's hard for me to be nice to people I would rather be hitting in the face with a 2x4 so I generally get a little miffed if someone I actually like can't just say 'oh gee thanks' or 'how nice of you to notice' or whatever appropriate response there happens to be.

This sort of thing happens more and more often and then I realized that to people I dislike I do that to.  So what am I supposed to think?  Do the people I like and don't have a hard time being complimentary to dislike me when they put off the comments I say in a way that sounds as if they are putting themselves down?  

Other days I wonder if those of us who simply hate people are another species entirely and just don't know it.  That is all.  Go forth and ponder the kind words you say and receive, grasshoppers. 

Surprised I Have a Job

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Some days I'm truly surprised I have a job.  I mean I often threaten people with bodily harm (I might really buy those combat boots I've been thinking of) and I constantly annoy my coworkers with sarcasm, by telling them 'no' when it comes to work and by doing my best to be 'positive' instead of debbie downer.  When I'm in a bad mood... well the music gets turned up and I tune out and do whatever I can find to regarding data entry so I don't have to speak or make eye contact.  That's all for their safety and because while making the walls bleed would be quite entertaining it would be a hell of a mess to clean up and then I'd end up in a padded cell forever.  Huh.. padded cell... 


People constantly annoy my supervisor in a non-fun, non-entertaining way.  I've actually offered to have a desk put right in front of his door for me to work at in order to keep them away.  They constantly hound him for stuff and then hound him again, about the same stuff, or those who know how to email will email him repeatedly. (One day he got 8 emails in a half an hour and then 3 more from the same person by the time I walked back to the warehouse when I was covering a position back there - so in about 5 or 6 minutes) about the Same. Exact. Thing.  So I try to keep him entertained for the most part by asking him questions he's able to answer without doing much work looking into them.

Today I asked him why some items were marked as 'discontinued' when I was selling them.  And shipping them.  And selling some more of them, repeat.  He wasn't sure but he was damn sure I'd made the change to those items back in December.  I was like.. Me? I did it? Why the hell would I do that?  Turns out it was because he told me to.  Gave me a list of items to discontinue because they were going to be for the location I sell from (I'd explain but don't want to) and we didn't want duplicate entries in the system.  So when I did this it discontinued them in all locations.  For whatever reason.

Before we figure this out though I message him something along the lines of: stupid silly bitch... she obviously has no concept as to what she's doing... you should fire her.  Obviously I was joking and he knew it.  I keep offering to kick people for him after all so that he doesn't have to do it himself.  On occasion I buy him chocolate or grab him a pop from the back.  Hey, I even make a pot of coffee for him most mornings, especially Friday mornings, that's the day it's needed most due to half-day long meetings.  Yeah.. on Friday.

Yep... so shockingly enough, as annoying as I am and my repetitive no's (usually because I'm seriously swamped or have something seriously more important to do) I still have a job.  Yay me!
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Oh the things I did this weekend were as little as possible, which is quite disappointing because I had so much planned.  I did laundry, which is a necessity since I only have one week's worth of work clothes.  I'm poor.  I can't afford closets and closets full of clothing.  Although I tend to buy a new piece here and there, usually pants because every other day I feel that size 4 is too tight and on the other days size 5 is too tight.  I don't want to move up to a 6.  I ended up buying a pair of size 6 pants Friday though.  Anyway.

I had planned on writing and editing this weekend.  I have two stories from years past (there are 6 I think that have been irrevocably lost) that I am going to edit and put into an e-book and see how that works out over on Amazon with the Kindle Digital Publishing.  They are very short right now, under 5,000 words.  So I am working to make them flow a little better and read a little easier, pad the description a little.  I don't think I'll get to anywhere near actual short story length, but that's alright, too.  
I've already got the idea for how things are going to go.  I just need to do more research into the whole KDP rules and guidelines and see if there is anything special that I need to do.
I'm glad to know that MaryMac will be there to help me by reviewing the stories and giving me feedback, etc.  I plan to do the same for her.  I think we make a great team in various ways, so why not help boost each other?  The best way to make your way forward is to team up with others who will push you forward or even sideways if need be.
Alright, so I'm going to do my best to spend an hour each night going over and grooming the two stories I have until they have better readability and then I'm going to start another story that someone gave me the idea for.  We shall see how that goes.
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New Category: Mood Music

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I'd like to introduce a new category here at Disillusioned.  You all hear about what tv shows, movies, anime I watch and books I read, so why not what music I listen to as well?  Once you even read about a game, Final Fantasy 12, the only post in the GamerGirl category. Ooops, there are other games played and beaten but I never got around to reviewing them.  I'm still playing Need For Speed: Carbon though I have beaten the game. Onward to music.

Part of the Mood Music Group

Part of the Mood Music Group (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 One of the many things I love in the world is music.  I listen to almost anything.  I am not much of a country or blues or jazz fan but they do have their moments in time in my life.  I grew up listening to mostly rock music and was influenced by my sister with heavy metal.  I can listen to anything from Sarah McLachlan to Marilyn Manson to Eminem to SlipKnot.  (If you follow me on Twitter you'll know I listen to SlipKnot a lot at work through headphones... )  I love music.  I'll listen to the Ke$ha station on IHeart.com when I need to get up and clean and start moving.  You can't just sit still when listening to dance music like you can with other music.  

I have many tastes in music and it's hard to listen to them all at once.  Most days I will pick a station or a disc or a band and listen to them all day long at work.  If they don't have enough songs to fill 8 hours then I'll put them on repeat or replay my favorites.  I recently acquired Bush: Sea of Memories.  If you were a fan of them when they first came out and haven't been paying attention, then you need to start listening again.  This album is absolutely amazing.  The Sound of Winter is beautiful and I can't get enough of it.  It may end up replacing my favorite Bush song from their softer side.  

If you didn't know or you don't follow Gavin Rossdale or BushArmy on Twitter (you should) then go to the View's website.  They played The Sound of Winter live and it turned out absolutely beautiful.  Gavin's voice still sounds as amazing now as it did when they first came out.  He will sing and pull on your heart strings like he plays guitar, enough to bring that emotion to the fore and make you beg for more.

So go look at the video on The View and then head over to Amazon or iTunes and grab Sea of Memories or at the very least The Sound of Winter.  I promise you won't regret it.
Bush-Sea of Memories  
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This is probably going to be a very controversial post.  That's okay though, I don't mind being different.  Perhaps a little background would be helpful.  My parents owned a tavern when my sister and I were growing up.  We weren't allowed in the tavern but we went in anyway (rebels that we are and all) to play the arcade games when we got bored.  Being stuck in a little apartment with your sibling who is 5 years older or younger than you can get boring or angering if you fight a lot over the television that doesn't get all that many stations.
There wasn't much to do outside but I spent a lot of time out there during the warm weather months anyway, usually with our family dog who also guarded the back door to the tavern.  When you grow up seeing people drink and smoke and use profanity you would think that your parents would take a minute and explain to you that while that is inappropriate behavior that these people are adults and can act however they want.  That didn't happen.
Mostly we were told the whole 'monkey see/monkey do' story and that what we saw we shouldn't do.  We weren't told why really.  We lived in a very small town where everyone knew everything about each other.  Except for me. I had my own bubble to live in and didn't care much about what was going on outside of it.  Not too much anyway. 
Our parents did have drinking problems.  I remember many times my father being carried up the stairs to be put to bed.  I remember mom's 3 months on/3 months off type of drinking and during the 3 months off her arguing with dad over his drinking.  First rule of thumb: If you drink, don't own a tavern.  If you start drinking and own a tavern, sell it.  Especially if you have children.
I don't remember a lot of my childhood.  I'm fine with this because I didn't care much about what was going on most of the time anyway to be bothered to remember it then why bother going somewhere to drudge it all up now?  Let's move on, shall we?
I have a 17 year old daughter, due to turn 18 this November.  Over the years I have allowed her to take sips off of different drinks that I have had.  I rarely drink as it is so I figured that seeing me rarely drink was a plus but letting her taste it, that's a bonus.  She's tried different beers, wine coolers, flavored vodka, mixed drinks but never let her have any straight hard liquor.  She's tried the hard lemonades and teas as well I think.  One New Years Eve I even allowed her to have a Green Apple Smirnoff all to herself.  She got a little tipsy but nothing more.  I wanted her to know what it felt like to drink alcohol.  Thanks to this sort of 'training' she has learned to respect alcohol for what it really is: a recreational drink. 
She knows that when I go out I rarely ever have more than two drinks.  I don't come home completely trashed and start yelling or cuddling or anything.  I go take a shower depending on the time and then I crawl into bed and not sleep.  That's the problem with me and alcohol,  I don't sleep well when I drink.  I lay there with my eyes closed, my mind fairly empty and ... nothing.  Since this happens pretty much every time I drink, I don't drink.
Every parent should teach their kid how to respect alcohol and how to consume it properly.  It makes me sick seeing these tv shows of college-aged kids (or even high school aged kids) and they are getting trashed to the point of holy crap they should be in the hospital for alcohol poisoning, there is no way in hell they should be standing upright let alone alive right now and other various ways of making it look exciting to get trashed to the point of blacking out.
It's especially important to teach daughters the importance of protecting their drinks.  Teach them to drink only from a bottle (beer/flavored vodka or rum, etc) and to stick their thumb in it when not drinking.  You teach them not to leave their drink somewhere and if they find it after doing so not to drink it.  You teach them these things to save them from a horrifying experience that no one (women or men) should ever have to go through.   
Take the time parents and you might have the benefit of never seeing your kid in the hospital for alcohol poisoning or something worse.
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Dear Friend, I must let you go...

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Dearest Friend of my Heart;

While I appreciate having you in my life for so many reasons I'm going to have to let you go.  You are holding me back from my true potential and I don't think I can deal with you properly any longer.  I appreciate the things that you have done for me but it's causing me pain to keep you around so I must say goodbye.  It honestly hurts me to do this because of how you warm me from the inside out when I'm cold, how I can visualize you around me like a cloak and feel your protection guarding me from the maelstrom that surrounds me on a daily basis.

However, if I want to have the positive happy things in my life happen to me and not just others around me then I have to let you go, your cousins as well.  They seem to get their claws in me and burn so brightly that I can't see.  You're like a toddler throwing a tantrum, hanging onto my leg and no matter how hard I shake you won't let go.  You make me yell and scream and rage against everything and anything.  You make me feel good but only for a short period of time.  Then it all comes crashing back down around me and all that's left are ashes.

Yes, I am afraid of this, of being out in the world without you, but I think it's time to rip the band-aid off, toss the crutch into the corner as I'd rather hobble and limp along then to need you to continue holding me up.  So goodbye my dear friend Rage/Anger/Resentment/Spite/and all your other aunts/uncles/cousins.  Goodbye.  I'm going to move on without you. I'm going to do my best to be positive and happy-go-lucky and sickeningly sweet that people's teeth hurt when they see me.

Being without you will be extremely rough because I am so used to you insulating me from the rest of the world out there as they wait to tear down my walls and take advantage of me every which way they can.  I'll still have my walls but they will be filled with light and acceptance as they always are, walls that protect me from the harshness of everyone else out there.  The walls will insulate me with warmth as you once did but in a way that helps me see what doors are open and the best route for me to take in life.

I will do my best to become less... disillusioned with the world I see around me, although I tend to accept it as it is, with all that crazy and drama and wrongfulness going on.  I personally cannot change anyone other than myself, therefore I will change myself as best I can.  I make no promises as to when this metamorphosis will be complete or if it will ever truly be over one day.  I can only try at the very least but at I am going to put forth the effort to do so.

If you have any suggestions or want to try along with me, shedding the anger and annoyance and petty attitude, the resentment you have towards friends/family/coworkers please share your story in the comments below. Feel free to link to this post and have a beautiful Tuesday.

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So I created a new category.  It's called "Pet Peeves".  

There is someone who repeatedly apologizes over and over again about something simple and stupid and it just drives me to want to beat them in the head with a stick until they can't do anything more than twitch their pinky finger.

It doesn't make any difference to me if you are running late.  Especially since you were nice enough to let me know that you were running late.  So when I come to take over there is no need to apologize over something like doing your job when someone is trying to purchase something and you have to give them details and put your stuff away before the switch.  It actually makes things take twice as long because you stop to apologize about it.

It annoys me.  It really has to stop and I know for a fact that I am not the only one who thinks so.  One apology is enough if needed.  Otherwise, don't apologize.  Take care of the customer or work or whatever is making you run late and then get ready to go.  Then go.

That is all.

Side note: The only thing that annoys me more than someone not apologizing is someone who apologizes repeatedly for something that doesn't even require one.

Now go enjoy your day and start snapping your wrist every time you start to apologize profusely.
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Review: Hump Day Diaries by MaryMac

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First off, if you've never ever been over to Pajamas & Coffee (lovingly known as PJ&C) you haven't lived or laughed properly.  BUT WAIT! Don't go there, yet, stay here and read my review of MaryMac's hilarious new docu-novel ebook called the Hump Day Diaries because it's just that freaking great.

Now I'm going to click the tab labeled 'Extended' because this post is going to be RAUNCHY.  If you can't handle RAUNCHY or even NAUGHTY then go buy the book for your trashy sibling. Yeah, I said it.

(I mentioned to Little Lady how many times I used the word 'porn' in this post and she said maybe I should change it to 'sexual excitement'.  This is the reason I love and keep her.)

If you have Netflix then you may have seen a documentary pop up somewhere (if you watch docu's often enough) called The Secret.  I tried watching it a few months back but the Little Lady was home and the cheesiness in which they made the docu (making it sound like a horrible 3am infomercial) was making her irritable so she begged me to turn it off.  A couple of months after that I finally restarted it at the beginning and watched it all the way through.  She wasn't home.  The cheese factor however was still pretty damn high.  No one needs that much cheese.


The docu teaches you about the Law of Attraction and how to tell the Universe what you want, in a good way, to get good things to happen to you.  It tells you that you should be grateful and happy and think good thoughts all the time.  In a world that is constantly negative it is a battle to do this.  The documentary goes on to tell you over and over the different ways that the Universe can reward you for telling it what you want and sending out good thoughts, being grateful and telling people thank you often for the things they do.  

I tell people I appreciate them and all they do all the time, yet I don't see how the Universe is rewarding me in return for doing that.  So I keep thanking people and I keep plowing through my day.  I went to the website regarding the book that was written based on this philosophy and signed up for the daily secret teaching or whatever it's called.  However, it hasn't been daily.  Not once have I received an email from them two days in a row.  Although I seem to receive them when I need a pick me up or a reminder that I need to put forth a little effort.

Let me tell you this though... with me being angry and full of rage all the time, it's very hard to be grateful with how stubborn I am.  I don't quite know how to put myself out there and ask for what I want.  How do I know I am receiving something in return that I want or need without it being so very obvious?  So I've decided that each week I will write a post on the things I am grateful for.  I think I will start doing this on Wednesdays because every other Wednesday I get paid, which is an automatic 'thank you for this paycheck, thank you for this job' response.

Today I am Grateful For...


My paycheck so that I can put food in the refrigerator and cupboards.
My friends who keep me laughing even over things that make me want to tear my hair out.
My mostly drama-free existence.
What are you grateful for in your life today? This week? This year? Lifetime?

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Review: Simple

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Thanks to Klout I earned a perk from Simple (at the time they were only in the UK but I believe they are now available in the US).  The products that I received were the makeup removal wipes and the replenishing moisturizer.  I really love the fact that I not only got free samples but they were full size samples.  It took a couple of weeks to get them since they were coming from the UK.  My daughter opened the package right away when she got home and texted me that they were here and she was so excited.

She's usually the guinea pig when it comes to anything and everything makeup/hair/food... yeah.

I have a hard time finding makeup removing wipes that don't want to remove a layer of skin with them.  Simple products are for sensitive skin, which both Little Lady and I have for the most part.  Use the wrong product and we break out pretty quick and it's such a pain to hide.  The wipes removed most of my makeup.  Even though they say they remove waterproof mascara, there is always the factor that sometimes you have to use a secondary product.  When I was wearing Collossal by Maybelline, the wipes took it off pretty damn good.  I switched to Falsies (also by Maybelline) recently and it has a harder time of taking it off.  No problem though, I always have some other way of removing it.  The reason I liked these wipes is because I didn't feel like I had just scraped off a layer of skin.  The replenishing moisturizer helped after the wipes as well.

When we received the Simple samples we both started using the moisturizer right away.  We had recently bought Ponds BioHydrate and she realized that it was breaking her out every time she used it.  I didn't think it was breaking me out and I was using it twice a day.  Switching to the Simple for a week and then trying out the BioHydrate made me realize that it was breaking me out as well.  I also love the fact that there is no scent.  I prefer only smelling my deodorant and body spray, not the products I put on my face or in my hair (which with hair products it's almost inevitable...).  It actually freaked me out for a little while that there wasn't any smell associated with it, just a scent of nothing really.  I mean, it had a scent that told you it was moisturizer or lotion but no defining flowery smell.  And the non-scent wasn't heavy or noticeable at all.  

I really do enjoy the Simple products that I received and if I can find them here in the good ole USA I'll price check them and see if I can afford them.  If I can, then I'll definitely be using them and if you have sensitive skin, you might want to give them a try as well.  

(This is a non-profit post and my samples really were totally and completely free.)
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Things To Do

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There are things I want to do and things I need to do, some here, some elsewhere.  Today this is a reminder post to myself to do these things.

1) Use the Simple samples I got via a Klout Perk for a week and then review them.  I received a sample of their moisturizer and their makeup removal wipes.  Full size samples from the look of it, too!  

2) Post more freaking often.  I had something to say on here yesterday but I was feeling so awful I didn't bother.

3) Actually attempt to do A Photo A Day for May when it comes around... I missed the first two days of April and while I could make it up, that's kind of cheating... yeah.

4) Remake this particular layout.  I'm thinking of turning all that black background to white.  I think it might be a more... 'welcoming' look.  We'll see if that happens.. I do prefer black backgrounds.  We shall see.

5) Have a better fucking day than yesterday.  Yesterday needed to die.  I ran out of work so fast yesterday that I forgot my leftovers from lunch.  

6) Remember to take a fucking lunch more often so I don't have to run out for it.

7) I just figured I should end this with a supposedly lucky number... Have a great Tuesday, all. 
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About Disillusioned

Disillusioned is a personal view of the world around me. A lot of information will be about books I read, or shows/movies I watch but sometimes there will be something that simply has to be pointed out and shredded. With Joy.

Disillusioned is best viewed in 1280x800 resolution.

To contact me you can email me by way of disillusioned at sweetly-evil.org, comments are open for business with approval.


About Chelle

Yeah, that's me! I am 25 37, I live in Ohio. I have one beautiful teenage daughter and one lovable cat. I enjoy writing, reading, television, anime and annoying my daughter. I'm also trying to learn Japanese because I want to visit Japan someday. Yes, I'm over 30 and I like anime, do you have an issue with that?

If you really wish to know even more about how fantastic I truly am, here you go: About Me

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This page is an archive of entries from April 2012 listed from newest to oldest.

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Michelle C. Miller
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