March 2013 Archives

Grateful Wednesday

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What are you feeling good about in life today? In complete honesty I don't have to look hard to find what I am grateful for. It's the things in life we all need. A job to pay the bills for the things we need and hopefully something leftover for savings and the things we want. People who we love and love us in return, no strings attached. A place we can call our own. Hobbies we enjoy. Life in general.

Lately there are days I have a hard time getting up in the morning. Not because I didn't sleep {which happens often anyway} but because so many of them are filled with things I have to do. Some of those days are filled with nothing to do. When you're at work though the very last thing you want to do is go around asking others if they need help with anything. Now, don't get me wrong, I did this all the time. It got me in a bit of trouble. I admit that it was when I was working part time and all but the last thing I need is for them to consider putting me back to part time. So I don't ask, or if I do it is only to certain people.

When I wake up my first thought has been I wish I could call off. I could really use a mental health day. Why can't I give myself permission to do this? Then I think about how I only have five days off. Two are scheduled. A comp day of 8 hours has already been wasted. I feel that I need to choose the right time to take the other three vacation days in order to maximize them. Therefore, I get out if bed.

I do have a day off coming, on the 1st. It's a day off work but it will still be quite busy as the Little Lady and I will be going for a tour at her soon to be university. I'm hoping for good weather and a lot of fun. Either way though we will make the best of it.

I'm trying to be grateful today. I try to be grateful every day. Some days can be overwhelming and I do my best to see the positive side. So, what are you grateful for today?

 

Oblivious

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oblivious.jpg

Sometimes there are days I am feeling a little overwhelmed. Not with work or life in general but with the amount of information that I am entrusted with. These are the days I think about when I wanted to become a therapist or counselor ages ago; prior to my introduction to the internet and chat rooms and people who lost their knowledge of what boundaries are. Now, I didn't want to help people in the sense of telling them how to change their outlook on life or the way they do things in their life either. I simply wanted to be their confidant, someone they could completely unload everything they were going through and feelings to someone who wouldn't go around gossiping and adding salacious details that were figments of imagination or judging their choices. I wanted them to be able to feel as if they didn't have to carry everything alone.

However, my mind changed after the introduction to the internet and chat rooms and boundary-less people. Even though it was only in text {multi-colored, multi-styled, sometimes *cringe* Comic Sans font} it was still a touch overwhelming. How did I know they were being truthful? Did it matter that they were truthful? Not really. Even then I didn't take every single person I met to heart and bared my soul to them. I learned the hard way in high school what happens when you do that.

It feels horrible to entrust information to someone only have it twisted, darkened and spread like a super-bug. You know the instant it is with the way people look at you sideways and a look of horror or curiosity on their face. Then you start to feel it, the embarrassment, the heat that spread from your stomach throughout your body and the wondering of which secret it was, who may have turned it into idle gossip with a dash of lies. So you stop trusting, you withdraw into your bubble and build walls around your heart, mind and soul. It can be a lonely place, but it feels safe there and it's hard to come back out once you've created your own personal prison.

But this post has nothing to do with gossip or even holding onto people's secrets like they are your own. It's about me being oblivious.

I completely admit it. I. Am. Oblivious. In a way, I blame my mother for this one, however, the past several years since she has passed away are my own fault because I haven't made the effort to change that about myself. I am oblivious when it comes to people's needs. I am so used to those around me being very vocal about what they need that I don't stop to look, assess the situation of the person, verify what they possibly might need in order to move forward and then do something in order to help them on their way. 

Sometimes I think people wonder if I am shy or snobby or selfish. Honestly, I am just oblivious. I actually told two friends today that I am oblivious to people's needs and if you ever need anything to please ask. I plan on telling some other friends this as well because it's so very true and perhaps if they start telling me when they need something I'll be able to spot the things they need in the future much easier. So in helping me to help them perhaps I'll be better equipped to help them in the future without being asked. {This is the goal, anyway.} I do ask if there's anything I can do to help, but if they tell me no, then what am I supposed to do? Where do I go from there? Generally, I move along in life and try to remember and ask at a later point how things turned out. 

Personally, I accept me as I am, obliviousness and all, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't try to change in order to help people I care about.

Learning Curve

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learningcurve.jpgI enjoy learning new things, especially at work, because that means less boredom going on in my bubble. Some things I can learn pretty quick, some things I can learn pretty quick but if I don't use that knowledge often {say once every six months or so} then I have to ask for a refresher, other things take time and practice. 

I've never used Illustrator. I've never been trained to use Illustrator. I'm learning to use it at work though. Today I got to do an actual box layout instead of just swapping out images and changing font sizes. I kept getting interrupted though, which caused me to forget which measurements were which and that right there will mess you up.  However, once I got most of everything else out of the way and asked a quick question and looked at another paper {realizing I had the wrong height} I was able to almost complete the box layout. I still have to line up all the panels and resize the images that will go on the box, but woohoo, I did my first box layout.

Yes, I know, boring box layouts. However, learning a new skill at work might get me more money. Not today, nor tomorrow {or anywhere else in the middle of the year} but perhaps review time at the end of the year.

Yay, me... !

{image found at: http://incentive-intelligence.typepad.com/incentive_intelligence/2007/06/its_a_sprint_no.html}

Gratitude

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gratitude.jpgI found this on Pinterest today, specifically for this post. Well, I was looking and looking and looking.. you ever been to Pinterest? There's a ridiculous amount of great and amazing stuff there. I rarely have a hard time finding anything I look for there and so I've been using it a lot more for photos to go with my writing. 

Anyway.

I've been in a thunderstorm of a mood today. Not just any normal thunderstorm. I'm talking the kind that shake the house and rattle the windows. I think I've done pretty good keeping it contained for most of the day. There was an incident I almost attacked someone with it, but I took a deep breath and dealt with it another way. I did take some time to rant with a couple of trustworthy people and even asked the opinion of one, then tossed a suggestion into the box to {possibly} rectify the issue. I won't discuss it here. 

I'm trying extremely hard not to be negative and full of rage by thinking of things that I am grateful for in my bubble. Breathing slowly and deeply doesn't always work, so thinking of the good things is another barrier between me and the swirling rage. While I am still pretty irritable for whatever reason I haven't gone off on anyone today. Or myself. That's a huge plus because I am always the first one that ridicules me. There are people out there who probably think I think I'm perfect in every way, but trust me, that sentiment is far from the truth, so far in fact, if you stated it as fact you might be smote.

So don't state it as fact. Unless I truly dislike you, then please feel free. {Do it around me though, okay? I've never witnessed a smiting before....}

Things I'm so totally grateful for today:

  • My health. The Little Lady is sick again and coworkers are sick again. I'm doing my damnedest to stay the hell away from all parties.
  • This silly kitty. Even though I don't want anything to do with her {so I say anyway} she snuggles up with me shortly after I get home and demands attention on a regular basis, regardless of what I want. Sometimes she knows just what I need.
  • Work. Pays what bills I can afford. They gave me a cube. Finally. I didn't even have to jello/pudding wrestle for it. They may be giving me more work but it's work that will possibly be a challenge, though the person supervising that work thinks I will still be bored to near suicidal tendencies per usual.
  • My Jade tree and my Orchids and my cactus and my angel plant. They are looking fabulous and they are still alive. I have  the damnedest time keeping plants alive. I think my time out west must have given me a tiny bit of green thumb. Miniscule, probably, but hey, it's helping. My orchids, which I didn't think would bloom a second time {thought I wrecked them...} are growing the new spikes as promised and that means they'll bloom. The Jade tree has a little itty bitty baby and that one is going to a coworker when it gets to the proper size to be moved.
  • The roof over my head and the food in my fridge. Each day I am grateful for these things. While I have never been truly homeless if it weren't for others there are times I would be.
  • This laptop. It truly is amazing. Even with the annoying schitzophrenic quirks that irritate me to no end. I suppose it makes me stop to be patient? I don't know. 

Ok, your turn. Go make your list and post it, then let me know via disillusioned at sweetly-evil.org or chelle at sweetly-evil.org and I will post a link to it. Or, use the handy dandy comment form below, featuring ReCaptcha as your gatekeeper.

Bath

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bath.jpgWhile I enjoy hot steamy showers more than most things in life, every now and then what I really want is a hot, steamy, bubble-filled bath. I really miss stretching out with a book, or just sitting back and relaxing, letting the heat take away the knots and tension built up from the crazy of the day.

Unfortunately we currently only have a corner shower and let me tell you, letting the hot spray hit you is nice and sometimes it hits your neck just so and gets some of the tension. So those of you who have nice big bathtubs, especially those of you who have ones with whirlpool or jets or whatever fancy bathtubs they have out nowadays, please, please think kindly upon me when you're soaking away your stress. Raise your glass of wine or bottle of beer and smile, send me some of that stress-relieving a good long soak gives. Now, go have a bath... I'm going to hit the shower.

Twenty

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So I have about twenty minutes left on lunch. I thought I would write a quick post. Lots of changes going on with work lately. Changes involving my job description. While I am not happy about it I am also not unhappy either. There isn't any incentive being given in order to take on the extra work. This has happened every time they tack something new onto my list. I'll be getting experience with a program I don't normally use however so that is a bonus. I just hope that they will give me more than pennies when review and raise time come around. If they dont I'll be able to take the new experience handed to me and a handful of recommendation letters with me.

Anyway.. Random post. Brought to you by boredom. Have a great day.

Reward

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Do you have your rewards card?

rewards.jpgI think this is the worst question ever. I hate hearing it. No, I don't have my rewards card. Well you can give me your phone number! Okay, let's try this again. I do not have a rewards card. Do you want to sign up, it's FREE! {And of course, because it's FREE, everyone should WANT ONE.} I think {yes, very dangerous, I know} that instead of giving away free rewards cards that give people free points or free prizes, or discounts, or whatever the fuck you give them, you should lower your prices and start helping to save the planet. Those rewards cards are made of plastic and they make the items you sell cost more because of how fucking expensive plastic things are these days. Yes, I know, they are probably made in China, but so what, that still costs a lot more to make than to lower their fucking prices. 

Coupons... The same thing with freaking coupons. Why can't they just charge reasonable prices? Oh, I'm lazy because I don't want to clip coupons. That's very true, I don't want to clip coupons, but it isn't because I'm lazy. I do have a full-time, 8hrs a day job, plus there are two other jobs I do when I am not at work, and a house to clean, a cat to pet and I also have to have time to shower, otherwise things could get a little awkward at the office, not to mention my requirement of food. {I. Require. Food.} I'm thrilled that there are people in the world who can walk out of the store with $1,000 dollars worth of food and only pay like 2 cents. Would I like to be one of those people? Yes, I would. Perhaps I could be. They say you should buy a paper for each person in your household. And there is where a problem is. I can't afford to get a Sunday paper, let alone a daily paper and two on top of it. Why yes, I could be one of those people who buys one paper from the machine and steals the second, but I'm really not into stealing newspapers.

The only rewards card I have that actually has made sense to me so far is my Kmart rewards card. They give you points, those points equal like 25% of a penny or something and when you get enough points you can have them take that off your total. However, I have noticed that in the recent times of using my card have they haven't told me how many points I have and they have not asked me if I want to use the points towards my total. This pisses me off to no end because then I get emails from them on occasion stating that I have such and such points that are DUE TO EXPIRE any nanosecond from now. Okay, so why the fuck did the cashier not look at my fucking points when I checked out and said 'oh gee ma'am ya got sum points here 'bout to expire. would ya like ta use 'em?' {No Exaggeration Needed.}

Why? Because they don't want you to use them, they want you to keep letting them add up and expire and add up again and expire so that you never use them, so that you never get a discount. I've had cashiers there tell me they couldn't tell me how many points I have or that it would be on my receipt {which last I checked, I get my receipts digitally emailed to me to refrain from killing two trees} however, I have not seen it on a printed receipt in quite awhile.

Oh but you could print out coupons from the intrawebz! Why yes, yes I could and sometimes I have, and then by the time I go to use them, poof, expired, no new coupon to replace it. So killing a tree and wasting ink, which is really freaking expensive, even buying two black cartridges and a color at Sam's is freaking expensive.

Then they blame the cost of food on the cost of transportation. Which, of course, blames the cost of transportation on the cost of fuel. Yes, that *is* a problem. However, I don't think that the cost is so significant that you need to mark everything up and force people to join a rewards program or use coupons to get a decent price on food and necessities. 

End. Rant.

Birthday Wishes

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kcgl.jpg Here it is. Another birthday. Another birthday wish. Lately I've been giving them away. Wishing good things for others. This year it's about health. There are so many people I love and their loved ones who are sick, whether it be with something general like the flu, which lately has been like some huge super bug, or something even harder to beat, like cancer, it seems everyone is sick. I hear a lot of "The doctors don't know what's wrong. They ran all these tests and they don't know." 

 Hearing that makes me wonder. What are they teaching these days in medical school? If the machines and the tests don't give them a clear answer they stop looking, shake their heads, shrug their shoulders and give up? Why? 

 Anyway, I'm not a doctor. So, I hope to all of my loved ones and your loved ones good health and happiness and to their doctors to figure out how to cure what ails them.

 I also hope you have a safe and fun-filled St. Patrick's Day. Go get lucky!

Flawed

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flawed.jpgI want to introduce you to someone. Now, technically, I haven't met this person and I haven't spoken to them {at the time of this writing} but, I feel like I have known them forever. I ran across a new blog yesterday. Well, the blog itself isn't new, it's quite well established.  A friend told me about it, possibly more than once, but I {finally} went to it. I ended up reading several pages of posts over the span of a couple of hours. I had planned on going back to it last night, however, I got side-tracked. {I know.. I know...}

Anyway.

This woman made me feel as if I am normal and everyone else is weird. She has a lot of the same quirks that I do. She also speaks of the self-control issues I wrote about not too long ago in my post titled 'Shovel'. While outwardly she is kind, loving and generous she is also full of anger and other destructive emotions inside which she pushes deep down in order to move forward.  

This woman noticed the 25 Things About Me on Facebook and, without reading any of the things her friends had shared, she wrote about deep dark things that she wouldn't normally share, without thinking twice about it. Until she read the things her friends had written. Then she thought 'oh no' and in the same moment decided it was done and out there and to let it go. She also got a lot of responses to it thanking her for being so very open and honest with something that was to be lighthearted. I commend her for it. I read her post where she went through each item and shared updates or changes regarding each thing. It was eye-opening.

Reading what she's experienced has shown me that I am strong because I do control myself. I control my emotions, my words, my Demon as best I can each and every day. It's hard getting out of bed knowing that I have to stuff everything into a box, chain it up and bury it as deeply as possible so that I can function around people without doing verbal or physical damage to them in some way. {I appear to be a nice person. In all honesty, I am not a nice person.} Even around people I love, especially around people I love, because the last thing I want to do is to hurt someone who means the world to me.

It's hard for me to find people who mean the world to me so when I do I want them to always feel special to me and I have a difficult time finding ways to show them just that. I am human and I am flawed. I will always be flawed and I accept that. I wish others could as well, about me, about themselves. The world would be so much kinder, softer, easier to deal with, if people were able to accept flaws.

In stating this, it makes me realize that I also have to accept those people who lack self-control. I need to remember that they are also struggling through this life. Perhaps there is a reason they act out the way that they do. Then it makes me wonder why I am being so nice about it. Why should I accept their stomping up the stairs when everyone else treads gently up them so as not to disturb the concentration of others? In accepting their faults, their flaws, does it make it easier for me to see and accept my own? I don't know.

There are many, many days, that I repeatedly have to tell myself to stop and breathe. To take another deep breath, to slowly let it out. People do this to me with their antics. Yes, I used the word antics. Thanks to those who are close to me in my life that share their own impatient moments, I feel much more normal. It has to be very difficult for her to share these things and yet she does it anyway. That's what it used to be about here on my site, my disillusionment with the world around me. It hasn't gotten any better with the way children are being shot in schools and people sworn to protect and serve decide to go on killing sprees and our government can't sit down like adults and work out the problems of our country. {I feel that if they really wanted to they could, however, they choose to act out for some reason. Whether that is to hide something going on behind-the-scenes or not I don't know. In a way I don't care as long as they stay off my lawn.} 

And that's truly the gist of it, right? I don't want people poking into my business. If I want you to know something I prefer to be the one to share it with you, openly, wholeheartedly, and have you able to do the same.  There are so many people who have to be mean, I feel it, the urge to be mean. To take this person and rip them into tiny little pieces, to make them feel as if they mean nothing to anyone, even themself. I try to follow a few rules. One is the Golden Rule: Treat people as you wish to be treated. Being as a lot of people treat others like they are worthless, it's a wonder we haven't all started glowing in the dark yet. Another is Silence is Golden. If I don't have anything nice to say, I do my damnedest not to say it. I dislike it when people tell me I'm being so quiet. There is a mother fucking reason behind it. There are times where it fails me however and that's when I go visit someone trustworthy to vent to. Sometimes I'll visit a coworker, close her door, face the wall and fake-scream while waving my arms in the air for a good 15 seconds. Then walk out and go back to what I was doing. I think it entertains her. The other rule is to Let Karma Handle the Heavy Lifting:  If you've done me wrong, Karma will pay you back on my behalf. I'm willing to wait and allow her to do so. I also secretly hope I'm around to see it happen, however I'm unable promise that I won't laugh {flawed, remember?}.

So, thank you Glennon, for reminding me that I am not the only one who controls herself.  And much thanks to my friend for sharing her url with me, even though with her to talk to, I know I'm not alone, it's always nice to know that there are more of us out there who feel like we are.

Shovel

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It's probably a really good thing that I leave my shovel at home in the garage. If I happened to carry it with me everywhere, I would most likely be in jail. There are some people who annoy me so easily and I can't figure out why. Some days when they are hitting the buttons with a baseball bat I feel like there is something wrong with me because I want to hit them in the face with a shovel. The reason I feel that something is wrong with me is because I am not even interacting with them. I don't work directly with them and don't see them anywhere other than work.

So why are they affecting me so much?

It just seems like they can't get themselves together. They can't do anything on time. However if someone else flings something at them and there isn't enough lead time they flip out. Flip. Out. The world is crashing down around them and everything is wrong or bad or upsetting. 

It's like Chicken Little on crack.

I am both logical and creative. I can look at something either way. I can't even visualize walls around me to keep out the excessive waves of wasted emotion coming through and engulfing me. So it makes me want to put the person out of their misery. Obviously that's what is required, right? I just can't understand how someone can be OCD (so they claim) and a perfectionist (so they claim) and not get anything done on time. It's either "wander around and chat" or "I'm so far behind I can't do this" day. Every day is different and yet the same.

I also though I might be angry due to low blood sugar or hunger. I ruled that out by having some hot cocoa.

I also feel a little jealous of their freedom. The freedom to throw a hissy fit at the drop of a hat over anything. I have cultivated the self-control on my emotions for so long I don't know what it feels like to let go. It's been a long time. Not that I want to explode all over someone and ruin their day but just to let it out and crash into others and force them to deal with how I feel for once instead of them.

However I find that rude and I can't stand the fact that they can't control themselves. I highly doubt anyone reveres me because of my self-control. I think I need a day off. I would take one but I don't get too many and I don't want to use them all up. So here I am. Trying to rebuild my walls, my emotional jail cell, back up and reinforce it with whatever strength I can muster up.

Bully For You

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bully.jpg I'm sure you've seen this before. I'm sure you have seen this all over Facebook, or where I found it, Pinterest. You have probably seen it in your email. Obviously you would have seen something like it all over the internet over the years. It's something you think about when your kid comes home crying because someone said something mean or did something mean to them. Now, I have an 18yr old daughter (I know!) and she knows how to handle herself pretty well. She tends to evaluate things before jumping headfirst into dark waters. She'll stick her toes in to see if the water is too cold or if there are rocks she'll hit her head on. However, this post isn't about my child, it's about another child. A child that I haven't even met, but hope to someday.
I hear good things about her. How much this girl loves school and loves learning and how the past month or so it's been absolute hell. It all started online. 
Dear Parents: If your child is not old enough, or mature enough (yes, they are two different things) to have an online account then the last thing you want to do is allow it. It can cause problems that they aren't ready to handle. 
It wasn't even her. Someone who already had an online profile changed the display name to hers and started commenting on other people's profiles as her. Nasty things, mean things. No one believed her that it wasn't her acount. Verbal abuse, physical attacks all on school property. The school refuses to get involved because it started online. They don't really know anything about those social media sites. They can't do anything about it. We all work to get the profile removed under grounds of impersonation and bullying. It came down for two or three days, then was reactivated and it started all over again.
Things got bad. 
It took awhile but the profile has been permanantly removed. However these things never truly end. There was a group started, listing members even, that had mean and horrible things to say. Hopefully this is gone as well. I know that two of the children involved in the bullying had their online profiles deleted by the parents. They started being nice again as well. Unfortunately, some of these children have moved onto someone else. Same thing about creating a profile in the child's name and posting mean things as them. However, we are hoping that it will get stopped a hell of a lot faster.
In trying to contact the social media site we learned that there isn't any live support. I find this to be appalling on so many levels. You can't call anyone to assist you. You can't email them either. I'm not even sure how you would contact them if you didn't have a profile on their site, though there is supposed to be a way. 
There were a lot of things learned during this whole crazy thing. I wish that others didn't have to go through this at all. Life is hard enough without having to cause someone so much pain and anguish in order to make yourself feel superior. That feeling doesn't last all that long anyway and at the end of the day you are worse off than you were at the beginning.
Please stop and think before you speak. If you need help in that department, feel free to read a post I wrote not too long ago about how to do so: T.H.I.N.K.

About Disillusioned

Disillusioned is a personal view of the world around me. A lot of information will be about books I read, or shows/movies I watch but sometimes there will be something that simply has to be pointed out and shredded. With Joy.

Disillusioned is best viewed in 1280x800 resolution.

To contact me you can email me by way of disillusioned at sweetly-evil.org, comments are open for business with approval.

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About Chelle

Yeah, that's me! I am 25 37, I live in Ohio. I have one beautiful teenage daughter and one lovable cat. I enjoy writing, reading, television, anime and annoying my daughter. I'm also trying to learn Japanese because I want to visit Japan someday. Yes, I'm over 30 and I like anime, do you have an issue with that?

If you really wish to know even more about how fantastic I truly am, here you go: About Me

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This page is an archive of entries from March 2013 listed from newest to oldest.

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Michelle C. Miller
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