Flawed

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flawed.jpgI want to introduce you to someone. Now, technically, I haven't met this person and I haven't spoken to them {at the time of this writing} but, I feel like I have known them forever. I ran across a new blog yesterday. Well, the blog itself isn't new, it's quite well established.  A friend told me about it, possibly more than once, but I {finally} went to it. I ended up reading several pages of posts over the span of a couple of hours. I had planned on going back to it last night, however, I got side-tracked. {I know.. I know...}

Anyway.

This woman made me feel as if I am normal and everyone else is weird. She has a lot of the same quirks that I do. She also speaks of the self-control issues I wrote about not too long ago in my post titled 'Shovel'. While outwardly she is kind, loving and generous she is also full of anger and other destructive emotions inside which she pushes deep down in order to move forward.  

This woman noticed the 25 Things About Me on Facebook and, without reading any of the things her friends had shared, she wrote about deep dark things that she wouldn't normally share, without thinking twice about it. Until she read the things her friends had written. Then she thought 'oh no' and in the same moment decided it was done and out there and to let it go. She also got a lot of responses to it thanking her for being so very open and honest with something that was to be lighthearted. I commend her for it. I read her post where she went through each item and shared updates or changes regarding each thing. It was eye-opening.

Reading what she's experienced has shown me that I am strong because I do control myself. I control my emotions, my words, my Demon as best I can each and every day. It's hard getting out of bed knowing that I have to stuff everything into a box, chain it up and bury it as deeply as possible so that I can function around people without doing verbal or physical damage to them in some way. {I appear to be a nice person. In all honesty, I am not a nice person.} Even around people I love, especially around people I love, because the last thing I want to do is to hurt someone who means the world to me.

It's hard for me to find people who mean the world to me so when I do I want them to always feel special to me and I have a difficult time finding ways to show them just that. I am human and I am flawed. I will always be flawed and I accept that. I wish others could as well, about me, about themselves. The world would be so much kinder, softer, easier to deal with, if people were able to accept flaws.

In stating this, it makes me realize that I also have to accept those people who lack self-control. I need to remember that they are also struggling through this life. Perhaps there is a reason they act out the way that they do. Then it makes me wonder why I am being so nice about it. Why should I accept their stomping up the stairs when everyone else treads gently up them so as not to disturb the concentration of others? In accepting their faults, their flaws, does it make it easier for me to see and accept my own? I don't know.

There are many, many days, that I repeatedly have to tell myself to stop and breathe. To take another deep breath, to slowly let it out. People do this to me with their antics. Yes, I used the word antics. Thanks to those who are close to me in my life that share their own impatient moments, I feel much more normal. It has to be very difficult for her to share these things and yet she does it anyway. That's what it used to be about here on my site, my disillusionment with the world around me. It hasn't gotten any better with the way children are being shot in schools and people sworn to protect and serve decide to go on killing sprees and our government can't sit down like adults and work out the problems of our country. {I feel that if they really wanted to they could, however, they choose to act out for some reason. Whether that is to hide something going on behind-the-scenes or not I don't know. In a way I don't care as long as they stay off my lawn.} 

And that's truly the gist of it, right? I don't want people poking into my business. If I want you to know something I prefer to be the one to share it with you, openly, wholeheartedly, and have you able to do the same.  There are so many people who have to be mean, I feel it, the urge to be mean. To take this person and rip them into tiny little pieces, to make them feel as if they mean nothing to anyone, even themself. I try to follow a few rules. One is the Golden Rule: Treat people as you wish to be treated. Being as a lot of people treat others like they are worthless, it's a wonder we haven't all started glowing in the dark yet. Another is Silence is Golden. If I don't have anything nice to say, I do my damnedest not to say it. I dislike it when people tell me I'm being so quiet. There is a mother fucking reason behind it. There are times where it fails me however and that's when I go visit someone trustworthy to vent to. Sometimes I'll visit a coworker, close her door, face the wall and fake-scream while waving my arms in the air for a good 15 seconds. Then walk out and go back to what I was doing. I think it entertains her. The other rule is to Let Karma Handle the Heavy Lifting:  If you've done me wrong, Karma will pay you back on my behalf. I'm willing to wait and allow her to do so. I also secretly hope I'm around to see it happen, however I'm unable promise that I won't laugh {flawed, remember?}.

So, thank you Glennon, for reminding me that I am not the only one who controls herself.  And much thanks to my friend for sharing her url with me, even though with her to talk to, I know I'm not alone, it's always nice to know that there are more of us out there who feel like we are.

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About Disillusioned

Disillusioned is a personal view of the world around me. A lot of information will be about books I read, or shows/movies I watch but sometimes there will be something that simply has to be pointed out and shredded. With Joy.

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To contact me you can email me by way of disillusioned at sweetly-evil.org, comments are open for business with approval.

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About Chelle

Yeah, that's me! I am 25 37, I live in Ohio. I have one beautiful teenage daughter and one lovable cat. I enjoy writing, reading, television, anime and annoying my daughter. I'm also trying to learn Japanese because I want to visit Japan someday. Yes, I'm over 30 and I like anime, do you have an issue with that?

If you really wish to know even more about how fantastic I truly am, here you go: About Me

About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Chelle published on March 15, 2013 9:08 PM.

Shovel was the previous entry in this blog.

Birthday Wishes is the next entry in this blog.

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Michelle C. Miller
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