April 2013 Archives

Dreamer

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dreamer.jpg I have always considered myself a dreamer. I can daydream up all kinds of fantastical things. I enjoy reading stories about fantastical things, movies are even better though because then I can sit back and enjoy it with the visualization created for me. I enjoy creating. I enjoy watching others be creative. I love new ideas, those are the best, especially when you are working with someone who clicks with you in all the right ways and you come up with something pretty amazing. 

Lately I haven't been feeling all that creative. I try to write, nothing much comes of it. I write here, it sometimes gets published, other times it sits in draft and stays there to collect dust. I'm okay with that though because it means somewhere I am making an effort. You have to do that when it comes to doing things you love. You have to do them, you have to make an effort. Just like you're supposed to exercise at least 5 minutes a day {at least that's what the Wii Trainers always told me...} you also have to use that creative muscle, stretch it and build it. I've learned new things helping the totally awesome graphic designer at work, but I still feel like I'm being held back. I'm not sure why or how. Hopefully I can figure it out and move onto something incredible. Until then, I'll keep chipping at the wall.

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Rantification

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Total Rantification Needed. You Have Been Warned.

 

Introverted

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ip62.png  It's hard being a personable introvert. I am one. I will help you however I can when you're a customer or coworker. I joke that I don't get paid enough to be nice but I do it anyway. Want repeat customers? Hire people who are nice or are really amazing at faking it. I'm far from outgoing and yet I love doing things. I always want to be doing something and yet I sit on my arse a hell of a lot more often than I want to. A lot of this has to do with weather, time of year, exhaustion {either from lack of sleep or extra long work day} and sometimes because I want to crawl back under the blankets and never come out again.

There are days I get to work and after covering the front desk for a short period I go back to my desk, boot up my system, get water or cocoa and sit back down to start working. All of a sudden I feel exhausted. I haven't even done one thing yet, but all of my energy is gone. Perhaps too many people called that morning. It could have been there were a handful of voicemails and a ton of faxes, plus phone calls on top of that. Even for such a short period it's a lot of work. I would rather have things to do than sit there with nothing to do however. 

There are, of course, good days and bad days. The days I am quiet, focused and hard at work, people think that I'm upset or depressed. Neither are true. Well, there's always the anger, but it has it's quiet days as well. I just focus on getting things done and I want to keep to myself, so I do. It doesn't have anything to do with other people in any way.

Here's an example for you. As I am writing this I decided it looks quite nice outside and thought to myself "I'll go sit on the front steps and finish writing it." However, my neighbor across the street is mowing the lawn and her kids are outside. So I immediately revoked the idea after {of course} walking to do the door and looking like I was going to walk out. I turned around and headed for the back patio instead. But it seems colder back here somehow. The sun is setting on the other side of the house... So there's more light, and in my mind, warmth there. I'll be headed back in any moment to keep from freezing to death in 66 degree weather. Not only was I avoiding the neighbors, but then I ended up back inside because like I said, in my mind it was cooler in the back of the house than the front. 

A lot of people are shocked when they find out that I tend to sit at home, read and pretty much keep to myself. Being around so many people each day and there are those who are a bit more hard to handle than others, it tends to tire me out when things get overemotional and overexcited. People slam doors and yell over the phone, sometimes speakerphone, and then slam it down if they are using the handset and my little tiny bit of stored energy from the few hours of sleep goes into maintaining my emotional well-being. Of not crawling under someone's desk and hiding there for the rest of the day.

So if you work in an office setting, or whatever type of setting where you have close neighbors, please be mindful of the quiet people in the office. Just because they don't speak up to you doesn't mean they aren't {mentally} repeatedly stabbing you in the face with their pen for overwhelming them with your extreme lack of control.

Want to see more Introvert Problem memes? Go here.

Want to see what your personality type is? Go here.

Spammyness

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Oh wow, I get the comments working and the captcha working and what the fuck? I'm getting spam comments through the fucking roof.  So I test the captcha. It's working just fine. So you're telling me that there are people out there who are going around captcha protected sites and commenting spammy comments? Are they doing this for money? Give me a break...

However, I enjoy this a smidge, but just the bare minimum smidge, mind you. I think they learned that I remove the URL they use, then  I remove their email and so they started putting a URL as their name on top of that. Hello, my name is NOT St00pid. I put "Removed" as their name. So, enjoy. Feel free to blast and bash the spammy commenters.  

Have a great day!

Scream

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Today I just want to scream. I'm frustrated and angry and I didn't sleep well. I didn't want to get up today either. I didn't want to get up yesterday. There are so many things to do, cleaning, laundry, work, so I have to get up. I can't ignore everything the way I want to. You would think my  life would be easy, but it isn't. People have told me I have it good and I do but it doesn't mean that I don't struggle each and every day. My neck and shoulder are hurting quite a lot and my stress level is through the stratosphere. I'm not sure what to do.

Cheryl Tiegs

"Like anyone else, there are days I feel beautiful and days I don't, and when I don't, I do something about it."

I saw this on my quote list on my Google page. Today is one of those days that I don't feel beautiful, inside or out, and I want to do something about it. I focus on my breathing. I stuff everything into a box in my mind but it's overflowing and leaking all over the place. I'm trying to contain it so that it doesn't bother others who are sensitive to emotions. 
 
I really want to just scream. Little Lady works this afternoon so I might be able to let off some steam when I get home. The shower selving unit fell this morning and I thought something had fallen on her in the bathroom. Luckily that wasn't the case and it'll be dealt with when I get home. 
 
I know other people feel this way, probably more often than I do. Today I feel that I'm going to explode at any second. I don't even need to have the wrong thing said or a button pushed, it's just there, waiting to find the weakness in the walls.
 
 I just want the anger to go away. I don't want to feel it anymore. Some days I don't want to feel anything at all, but then the good feelings would go away as well and I don't want that. It just seems that lately I am having more negative emotions than positive. I try turning it around by thinking of the things I am grateful for and sometimes that works. Sometimes I can list everything under the sun, moon and stars and it just doesn't seem to make a dent. I feel like that today.
 

Changes

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Please be patient as Disillusioned undergoes a layout change. Thank you.

Interrogation Part Deux

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13 Minutes.

That's all it takes to be interrogated around here. 13 minutes of overtime. However, they only asked me about that specific day. There wasn't any mention of me being here 2/3 minutes early and clocking out 2/3 minutes late. Simply that 13 minutes that I was here for whatever reason.

It was probably when I was doing data entry. Technically, I don't get overtime. "We do not pay overtime" is what I'm told. However, that's also quite illegal. Interrogating people about it is even worse. I am not even supposed to be the one asked about it. My supervisor is supposed to be asked and then if they don't know they are supposed to ask me. I dislike it when someone new is in charge of something like this. Then you have to go through the whole training thing again with them. Take off the overtime unless I am at the front desk. If I don't get the front desk overtime then I won't cover it any longer. 

Honestly, I should start keeping track of every single project I do and how long it takes me from start to finish and then start making a fuss about not getting the little bit of overtime pay that I have earned. Although that would be a lot more work, keeping track of every single thing I do.. I can see the nightmare now. A spreadsheet filled with project name, start time, finish time, who it was assigned by and whatever other pertinent information I could think of.  I really should do that. It would help me more than anyone else.

I did go to my new supervisor and let him know that I was interrogated just in case they ask him as well and to let him know that if it happens again I might go to the next level. He said if it happens again to let him know and that he will go to the next level. Which is really nice and not what I expected at all. I almost hope for it to happen again. {I found it endearing that he informed me that it was illegal when I told him as well.}

Although if I do get interrogated again I would have a new target for my penny revenge... 

Anger vs. Pain

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I'm angry today. Then again, I'm still angry every single day. I go to bed angry, I wake up angry. I don't choose to be angry, it is just always there, right below the surface. It's been there for as long as I can remember and since I don't remember much of my childhood I'm spotty on how angry I was then as well. I don't feel cheated. I don't feel abused or misused. 

I choose to be happy. Each and every day. Today is going to be the day I am Happy. Today is going to be the day that I laugh and smile and have a great day. Today is MY day to put away the pain that my anger causes me. Then someone says something offhand, possibly without thinking and it pushes a button. I let it go. I push a different button and Let. It. Go. I do this on a regular basis. I do this so much that I've turned each and every day into a waiting game. Waiting for a phone call, a visit, the other shoe to drop. 

Thanks to a recent {as of today} post from Lifehack I may have figured out where the pain in my neck, shoulder and upper arm is coming from. I have known for a long time that I tend to clench my teeth. It's automatic when you've learned over a couple of decades to keep your mouth shut. While I am aware that I do this when I am awake and correct the problem as soon as I notice the habit is ongoing. Twice a year, for two days, we have a chiropractor that comes into work and offers 15 minute massages and consultations. We don't always have enough people that sign up for both days so some of us sign up for both days. Normally my stress and tension cause pain across my shoulders and in my neck. This is my normal every day pain that I carry around with me. When I went in for my 15 minute neck/shoulder/back massage I told him that on occasion I have shooting pains in my left upper arm, tricep area. He did his thing and concluded that my rotator cuff is causing me issues and my mind is moving the pain to the arm area. Fantastic. During these fifteen minutes he also noticed that I am holding a lot more stress down my spine as well. I knew that was coming however so it wasn't a surprise. 

"It can't rain all the time." - Eric from The Crow. {However, I feel like it's always raining in my head.}

So due to the amount of stress I carry across my shoulders, in my neck and down my spine I have to do my damnedest to make sure that I am not clenching my teeth. I think when I wake up in the night and there's that telltale twinge in my shoulder and neck it means that I have been doing just that. Sleep is supposed to be a restorative and lately even that just seems to too difficult to muster.

Then I wake up angry. Choosing to be Happy. It doesn't seem to matter how much I try to smile, how much I choose Happiness, because it always feels like it's raining non-stop. 

I Don't Know

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Lately this seems to be the phrase that comes out of my mouth often. I blame my SO {significant other} as it comes out of his mouth all the time. I've thought about using it as my 'go to' response when someone asks me questions at work, even if I know the answer, because sometimes I just find it absolutely annoying that they are asking. However, I haven't. I answer the question and try to go back into the flow of whatever I happen to be working on at the moment. Today I am annoyed.

I can't figure out why something so very simple is so very difficult for others. Two minutes of time is all I ask. Two. Minutes. However that two minutes never comes. It always ends up getting interrupted or forgotten or pushed aside, behind, over, hidden away and never remembered. All I wanted was two minutes of your time but you couldn't give that to me. There will be a reason {excuse} just like all the other times that two minutes got pushed away. 

I feel like I am asking too much. I just don't know.

Oh, wait

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The waiting game. I feel like each day is a new adventure or a new level of waiting. Waiting to find out what to do next. Waiting for that phone call that never comes. If there is one thing I have learned throughout this life it is how much I despise waiting.

I do my best to fill the in-between times when I am waiting for the next project to be given or papers to be filed. It can be anything from reading an article to following a tutorial. I've noticed recently that my internet access at work has increased. I can even access Disillusioned and my movable type install. I can search for photos of items to put in our folders so that it comes up in our system. I was able to look up flight and car rental information for the boss. It has been quite a long time. I even accidentally accessed Facebook.

I'm not sure why my access was increased or even who is responsible for it. I am just fine with that however. It helps fill those in-between times when I don't have much to work on {or nothing at all}. Every time I go to work on the newsletter I get given another project. I am supposed to do it using In Design but if this keeps up it will be done in Word 2010 again.

Sometimes those in-between times fill me with a little dread. What if someone finds out I don't have anything to do? When I am home and experience this it makes me feel a little useless. I have things that need to be done. That doesn't mean I want to do them though. I try to fill those times with things I want to do but a lot of times I end up vegetating in front of the tv and/or Facebook.

I need to find some motivation. How do you inspire yourself to do things that you don't want to do?

About Disillusioned

Disillusioned is a personal view of the world around me. A lot of information will be about books I read, or shows/movies I watch but sometimes there will be something that simply has to be pointed out and shredded. With Joy.

Disillusioned is best viewed in 1280x800 resolution.

To contact me you can email me by way of disillusioned at sweetly-evil.org, comments are open for business with approval.

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About Chelle

Yeah, that's me! I am 25 37, I live in Ohio. I have one beautiful teenage daughter and one lovable cat. I enjoy writing, reading, television, anime and annoying my daughter. I'm also trying to learn Japanese because I want to visit Japan someday. Yes, I'm over 30 and I like anime, do you have an issue with that?

If you really wish to know even more about how fantastic I truly am, here you go: About Me

About this Archive

This page is an archive of entries from April 2013 listed from newest to oldest.

March 2013 is the previous archive.

May 2013 is the next archive.

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Michelle C. Miller
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