Anger vs. Pain

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I'm angry today. Then again, I'm still angry every single day. I go to bed angry, I wake up angry. I don't choose to be angry, it is just always there, right below the surface. It's been there for as long as I can remember and since I don't remember much of my childhood I'm spotty on how angry I was then as well. I don't feel cheated. I don't feel abused or misused. 

I choose to be happy. Each and every day. Today is going to be the day I am Happy. Today is going to be the day that I laugh and smile and have a great day. Today is MY day to put away the pain that my anger causes me. Then someone says something offhand, possibly without thinking and it pushes a button. I let it go. I push a different button and Let. It. Go. I do this on a regular basis. I do this so much that I've turned each and every day into a waiting game. Waiting for a phone call, a visit, the other shoe to drop. 

Thanks to a recent {as of today} post from Lifehack I may have figured out where the pain in my neck, shoulder and upper arm is coming from. I have known for a long time that I tend to clench my teeth. It's automatic when you've learned over a couple of decades to keep your mouth shut. While I am aware that I do this when I am awake and correct the problem as soon as I notice the habit is ongoing. Twice a year, for two days, we have a chiropractor that comes into work and offers 15 minute massages and consultations. We don't always have enough people that sign up for both days so some of us sign up for both days. Normally my stress and tension cause pain across my shoulders and in my neck. This is my normal every day pain that I carry around with me. When I went in for my 15 minute neck/shoulder/back massage I told him that on occasion I have shooting pains in my left upper arm, tricep area. He did his thing and concluded that my rotator cuff is causing me issues and my mind is moving the pain to the arm area. Fantastic. During these fifteen minutes he also noticed that I am holding a lot more stress down my spine as well. I knew that was coming however so it wasn't a surprise. 

"It can't rain all the time." - Eric from The Crow. {However, I feel like it's always raining in my head.}

So due to the amount of stress I carry across my shoulders, in my neck and down my spine I have to do my damnedest to make sure that I am not clenching my teeth. I think when I wake up in the night and there's that telltale twinge in my shoulder and neck it means that I have been doing just that. Sleep is supposed to be a restorative and lately even that just seems to too difficult to muster.

Then I wake up angry. Choosing to be Happy. It doesn't seem to matter how much I try to smile, how much I choose Happiness, because it always feels like it's raining non-stop. 

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Disillusioned is a personal view of the world around me. A lot of information will be about books I read, or shows/movies I watch but sometimes there will be something that simply has to be pointed out and shredded. With Joy.

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About Chelle

Yeah, that's me! I am 25 37, I live in Ohio. I have one beautiful teenage daughter and one lovable cat. I enjoy writing, reading, television, anime and annoying my daughter. I'm also trying to learn Japanese because I want to visit Japan someday. Yes, I'm over 30 and I like anime, do you have an issue with that?

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This page contains a single entry by Chelle published on April 5, 2013 11:12 AM.

I Don't Know was the previous entry in this blog.

Interrogation Part Deux is the next entry in this blog.

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Michelle C. Miller
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