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Communication (in case you couldn't sound it out) as defined by the dictionary.com website:

1. the act or process of communicating; fact of being communicated. 

2. the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs. 

3. something imparted, interchanged, or transmitted. 

4. a document or message imparting news, views, information, etc. 

5. passage, or an opportunity or means of passage, between places. 

I don't think I have issues communicating with others, but some might think I do.  I'm not someone who is going to call you, email you, text you or show up on your doorstep if I don't have anything exciting going on.  I certainly would not show up to your door unannounced, even with people who are considered family.  I hope they would be kind enough to give me notice as well, though they are the only ones allowed to show up unannounced.

I tend to get remarks like 'just thought I'd call to see if you were alive' and so forth.  Uhm, well, you are a friend on facebook, so I'm sure you'd know I was dead as my daughter would so kindly update my status as to "Died of {insert cause here}".  I'm also on Twitter, Myspace and Google+.  I have one main email address that everyone who needs to know should know by now. I have a cell phone that people who are important enough to me have the number to.  I am reachable by all of these things.  But no, I don't make much of an effort to keep in touch.  Why?

Well.  I'm not much of a people person. Yes, there are those people who I care about, but I have to deal with people all day long.  I hardly talk to them either and sometimes that upsets them as well.  I won't apologize for my behavior, it's who I am.  I don't want to know every nitty gritty detail into your life or about the skeletons in your closet.  Unless you wish to share them, or need someone to listen, or if you have a question you want my opinion on then your life is your life.  Sometimes I will ask questions and I'm always afraid that they may get upset with me.  I make it clear that people can ask me anything at all and I'll do the best I can to answer honestly.  The rule is don't ask me anything if you think that the answer is something that will offend you because I don't care.  You asked, you're getting the answer. What happens after that, the nightmares it causes, the views of your world that get skewed, that's all your problem.

The clincher to this whole thing is that you are not me and you like to communicate with me.  Just because I don't take that step to contact you first isn't a blatant disregard of your well-being. It simply means that I didn't contact you.  If you call I will pick up the phone. Text me? I'll reply or forward back whatever crazy thing you forwarded to me so you know I got 'the message'.  Emailing me isn't always the best way but it does come right away and I generally have access to it almost all the time (best to text me).  If on some chance that I don't reply right away? I'm probably enjoying a hot steamy shower in all it's good steaminess.

Seriously though. It's not that I don't care.  It's that I don't care for the drama.  Everyone has drama, even I have drama.  I don't care to spread my drama and I try really hard not to do so.  I try to stay positive and in today's world that's very hard to do.  I don't want to spread my negativity around.  Though I do vent now and again about people and events that don't make any sense or drive me to wonder how on earth we are ever going to make it through whatever, if anything, happens on December 21st.

Alright, so I may text now and then, but does it always have to be me that starts a conversation? Am I the one who always has to make that first phone call? It's rare that I don't answer the phone or reply to a text or email and I'm always the one who is accused of being non-communicative.  I'm here. I don't go anywhere or do anything. I know that each and every one of you have very busy lives with lots of things going on.  You're welcome to contact me when you need me, or when you think of me, or when you want to ask someone a question who will give you an honest answer.  I am who I am, not who everyone says or thinks I am.  I'm just me and I'll be over here just 'being' the way I like it.  

I'm sure some people out there have experienced some of the things I have when it comes to relationships.  Such as having someone you're with or a parent who says something along the lines of "I just can't sleep when there are dirty dishes in the sink!" and literally have a conniption fit about it, but they won't personally do anything about it.  Even after you've worked 8 hours, stopped at the store for shit they needed and (of course) didn't pay you back for the purchase.   They whine and cry how messy something is but they don't think that if they utilize that energy to help out around the house instead will be much more productive than complaining to someone who (perhaps hasn't been on their feet all day long) has been dealing with customers yelling or calling repeatedly because they are too stupid and lazy absolutely refuse to leave a voice mail for their contact.  

Not all of the positions I have had in the past have been extremely stressful each and every day, but it always seemed on the days that were particularly trying those would be the same days where I needed to stop somewhere on the way home or as soon as I got home I was also expected to start dinner, do dishes and whatever other chores needed doing the moment I walked in.  These things got very trying, especially since there were three adults at the time and one child.  I felt as if I had three children and no help whatsoever.

There were (obviously) some volcanic blow-ups over this as well.  I got so stressed out that I ended up causing myself physical pain.  Pain that ended up becoming much more severe after doing 10 loads of laundry one weekend (no help!) and seriously straining my left shoulder to the point that I tore some muscle and pinched a nerve.  Oh the nerve!

Unfortunately, I still suffer from that injury and if I overtax myself, even after starting a somewhat very random exercise regimen.  I feel it when I pick up grocery bags that are too heavy for me.  I feel it when I pick up a container of kitty litter.  I have to make sure that I don't do anything after I feel the indicator signs that I'm overdoing it, otherwise I wake up unable to move in the morning.  If you've ever woken up unable to move and in serious pain, you know how awful it feels to get up and go get ice and then try to lay back down with the ice in the proper placement (because it's just no damn good if it isn't in the right place).

I've tried following FlyLady and while I'm supposed to just 'jump in wherever' it doesn't always work for me.  It's a rare day where I walk in the house and feel like I want to continue to move.  Even though I sit all day long, other than walking to see the supervisor or see someone about a project, or walking around the warehouse on break so that I can get some movement in, I come home and sit.  And sit some more.

One habit I have accomplished of achieving each and every day (minus a day here and there, like my birthday) is making my bed.  I love, Love, LOVE having my bed made and crawling into it at night.  It makes me feel good.  I get seriously discombobulated when the Little Lady crawls into my bed (because she just couldn't resist since it looked SO COMFY) and then doesn't remake it.  There was one time she made an attempt at remaking it, which is more than she usually tries, but I noticed because I could see the sheet underneath practically all balled up and lumpy.  It's very hard for me not to want to strangle her.

I am not a perfectionist or even OCD about anything.  If you walked in here (which you better have called before coming over depending on who you are) you'd see clutter and probably a glass or three in the living room depending on if they got taken into the kitchen before bed.  I keep trying to form good habits but it doesn't always help and when there's only one adult who is gone around 10 hours a day and one teenager who has a ton of homework after school (and tends to pass out shortly after getting home) things tend to get a little behind.  Every day I try to load the dishwasher but it doesn't always happen. Laundry gets done on the weekend unless I ran out of time due to running errands.  Grocery shopping gets done on payday Wednesday (which we all know is almost better than a Friday).

I feel that if I try to do something one day, such as today I put on a load of dishes, cleaned off and scrubbed the counters, shined the stove and sprayed the microwave to get it ready to be scrubbed (it's still waiting on me) then I swept the floor.  Tomorrow I'll probably come home and collapse into the chair or onto the couch because I'll be putting in extra time tomorrow and Thursday to get a project done and make up hours.  Should be interesting to say the least.

Still, coming home to a house that is a bit cluttered, or on really heavy duty days down right dirty, is a lot easier to deal with then walking in the door and being berated about the state of the household, the bills, the laundry, the cat puking (but we didn't clean it up because it's not our cat) oh and you need to make dinner because I'm starving as of ten minutes ago issues.

 

So I noticed that I hadn't written an official entry since the Little Lady's birthday (which I showed to her). I did however write a couple of draft entries, and they'll probably end up staying that way because they are mostly full of bitching, moaning, whining and complaining.  I don't really want to post all my nasty annoying tidbits about everything that annoys me or irks me at every turn, because just to put it out there, a lot of things annoy me.  I try to just let it roll off me but it doesn't always happen that way.

Then I read an article from LifeHacker about writers and some tools they could use.  One of them being about 750words.com.  This site is for people to go to and write every day, something private (preferably in the morning before the day is started) and write out whatever happens to pour out of their mind.  There is a word count at the bottom and it lets you know when you've reached your 750 words.  You can continue writing after that if you wish or you can stop there.  You can go there more than once a day and you'll be in the same post (as far as I know).

So far I've written every morning, missing Saturday and Sunday this past weekend.  That kind of sucks because you earn badges as you go for your streaks.  They are fairly random and so forth but cute for the most part.  It's kind of a way to get you to try and find out what's next.  You can also sign up for the challenge they put on each month.  I'm not sure if it's just writing every day or if there is more to it.  Again, no one sees what you write except for you.

The coolest part is that if you write honestly about what is going on with you and through your mind, the stats will tell you in a lot of ways how you fair against the past, present, future and world.  They'll tell you what kind of rating you have (I currently have an R rating, oops) and tell you what different emotions are affecting you, how much and how it compares to the world.

I even recommended it to two friends and so far one has tried it.  I hope it's helping her deal with her grief over losing a beloved family member.  She was having issues because whenever she would have a fleeting thought about him she would get emotional and felt she had no one to talk to in her family about it and it was as if they simply moved on with their lives and left her behind with this huge ball of sadness.

I feel that there are things that I don't want everyone to know and these are also things that people don't really care to know.  So, they'll go there and hopefully I'll find other things to entertain everyone who's kind enough to stop by here.  Enjoy!

Being single isn’t always easy, but I do enjoy it. I don’t have someone to snuggle up and keep me warm but on the other side of things there’s no one stealing the covers or complaining that I keep things too warm. What can I say? I’m a cold-blooded woman. No really, my normal body temperature is 97.5, 1.1 degrees below the true normal body temperature. Also, I’m not stick thin anymore, I did gain that weight that I wanted, but I still freeze on a regular basis. I’m just not properly equipped to keep myself warm. Must be that cold rock I call a heart.

Other things I’ve noticed when you’re single is that people will try to fix you up with someone. Anyone. I’ve had my boss continually try to get me to go out with co-workers. I refuse. Repeatedly. I do not, will not, absolutely refuse to, date co-workers. It makes things awkward when they find out how I truly am in my private life and then things don’t work out for whatever reason. Then you have to keep seeing them every single day at work. I’ve had co-workers who are recently married try to fix me up with every ‘cute’ guy they see. Usually these guys are already married but don’t wear a ring, several years too young for me, or live out of state and are just in town on business. Now, while I’ve stated that someone like Mike Rowe would be an amazing husband because 1) he’s never home, 2) he works hard and 3) he’s got an amazing sense of humor it doesn’t mean I want to marry him. Or anyone else that happens to live out of state or even right in my own neighborhood.

I’m one of the few people who happens to be truly happy when they are single. I get confused looks when I say that. It would take a truly amazing and incredible guy to get me to marry him. I’m not just complicated, you know? I’m a Pisces on the Cusp of Aries with Libra Rising complicated. I’m a logical creative. I’m in my own personal world trying to create things that I can make real, whether that be graphically, written or photographic.

To be honest, I like making decisions on my own and not having to check someone else’s schedule to see if there are any other events going on. I like to be able to pick up a novel and get lost in the words and images it creates for me, to be in the story. I want to be able to be who I am without having to compromise myself. I end up changing everything about myself at first when starting a full-blown relationship and it’s truly disconcerting when I am finally comfortable enough to take it easy and then everything goes haywire because I’ve completely changed. Or I end up trying to be even more amenable than I normally would be and get walked over repeatedly and covered in mud. At least he was so kind as to tell me he forgave me of all the horrible things I did. (I’ve stopped trying to figure out what those things are. It’s easier to forget than to forgive for me, the anger just builds if I keep thinking about it.)

Now don’t get me wrong, I do get asked out. My answer is usually ranging from I don’t really know you (I don’t want to go out with you) to No thank you as you’re way too young for me (No, really. You’re too young and I’m so not interested.) Some people move on, others keep trying. So I’d like to put it out there. Just because I am single and not dating or sleeping with someone, whatever you want to call it these days, doesn’t mean that I am going to fall all over you for paying attention to me. It doesn’t mean that the split second you smile all sexy like and try to be sweet to me that I’m going to strip and spread my legs for you. It means that I’m going to mess with you. I’m going to entertain myself by listening to you repeatedly ask me out just so that I can say no. So that I can pretty much tell you where to go and how to get there in a way that just makes you beg for more.

Yes, I’m a bitch. I’ve never denied it and I never will. I don’t play the game, but I will toy with someone if it becomes a way of making me laugh. I’ll make you beg and if you keep it up, someday, without ever going on a date with you, I’ll probably make you cry. All the while I’ll laugh. Then, I’ll walk away.

Now now, relax. I only do it to those who specifically ask for this sort of treatment, the ones that simply can’t believe I could turn them down, the ones who keep asking and don’t yet realize that the word ‘yes’ isn’t going to come out of my mouth.

Truly, honestly, I’m not really looking for anyone. Maybe someday I’ll find someone that I can handle being around. Someone that won’t walk all over me. Someone that won’t think I am ignoring them if I go read a book. Someone who won’t lie to me about what their plans are. Until then, I’ll continue to live each day as I see fit. You should, too.

There are so many things wrong with that title. At least, according to society norms anyway. Yes, I’m single. Yes, I’m a mom. And sadly, YES, I am crazy. Although the crazy came way before the being a single mom. And to be completely truthful, I’ve never been married. Even more truthful, I feel blessed that I have never been married. The main reason is because never being married means I haven’t had to go through the emotional, devastating trauma that divorces can be. Let’s move on, shall we?

While raising my daughter I’ve been in 3 long term relationships. The first lasted about 2.5 years, the 2nd 5 years and the 3rd 3.5 years (give or take). None of these relationships were with my daughter’s father. There are many reasons why a) I didn’t stay with him, b) I didn’t want anything to do with him and c) to this day have never seen or spoken to him again. Which I will be kind enough not to go into here. I also want to state that I have never, not once, badmouthed him to my daughter. For the most part, we never really spoke of him. I did tell her when she turns 18 she can have his name and go looking for him if she wishes.

I’m currently single and happily so. After being everything from lied to, cheated on, the other woman (one time unknowingly to me until she started sending death threats), told more than once that no matter how long we’re together or whether or not we marry that I’ll never be cared for when they die if they happen to die first (wow, that made me love him so much more!) and manipulated into always believing I was a bad mother, a bad person and didn’t care about anyone but myself I decided it was time to stop the madness.

Don’t think that I went from one relationship to another, because I didn’t. There was anywhere from 1.5 to 2.5 or more years between relationships. I’m very picky about who I choose to share any part of my life with let alone be in a relationship with. Yes, I write a blog and share tidbits with you but it doesn’t even breach the crust of the thoughts that run through my head. There are as many facets to me as there are to gems.

Although, if you were to ask me a question I would give you the answer honestly in the best manner which it would be received. If you were being serious and needed a real answer, I’d answer you straight-forward. If we were joking around, having fun and the question was more in a comedic manner I would most likely answer you sarcastically. If you’ve been reading here for awhile you know that I can be both logical and creative. I believe in magic and science. Most people either don’t understand me or understand me so completely that it’s a little freaky. Sometimes it’s also a little scary to be able to look at an illusion and see both versions.

While I didn’t enter into motherhood by my choice I fully excepted what came along with it. Responsibility for another life. I needed to take this little baby girl and turn her into a productive member of a society I didn’t always agree with. For the most part I think I have fulfilled most of the obligation. She’s not 18 yet, but will be in just over a year. She’s smart, creative and can debate your pants off about any topic you choose regardless as to which side she’s debating.

While I didn’t sacrifice everything in my life for this child I did put a lot of it on hold. There are still a lot of things I want to do with my life. I don’t go out drinking every night/weekend/whatever (and certainly don’t plan to in the future either). I don’t spend my paycheck without paying bills and making sure there is food on the table, or I make sure there is food on the table before paying the bills. I go to work every single day unless I can’t move and since being hired in haven’t missed a day. I have made up all time missed taking my daughter to the doctor during the lactose-intolerance answer treasure hunt. I don’t bring strange guys home after a night out. Period.

I did have rules and structures in my house, some of them may sound unacceptable to you such as: “If you don’t do the dishes, you can’t go outside and play and I won’t cook dinner when I get home.” That’s right. If my daughter, at the age of 9, didn’t do dishes she wasn’t allowed to go out and play. On top of that she’d have to eat leftovers from previous meals instead of getting something new. Eventually she benefitted from knowing that it was best to do the dishes.

Now she does her own laundry. We do our best to share the rest of the chores but with her in high school (and having shit loads of homework) and me at work all day (and usually exhausted when I get home) we tend to do as little as possible to get by and make up for it on the weekends. Sometimes I’ll ask her to do a load of dishes when she gets home. Instead she’ll take a nap and not wake up until a couple of hours after I get home and have thrown in the load of dishes. Sometimes I still don’t make dinner when she does this and it ticks her off. She may not be an adult but she sure isn’t a child any longer and is more than capable of either doing dishes when she gets home so that I can make dinner when I get home or she can take a nap and I’ll do dishes which then means she either makes dinner, fends for herself or starves. Sometimes this works, sometimes it fails and we both get irritated. It happens. We are always going to have differences and we are always going to irritate each other. We are family, it’s what we do best.

I say I’m crazy, but I’m not clinically insane. I’m not depressed. I don’t take any of the hundreds of medications out there prescribed or unprescribed. I have control over myself most ( 99.4%) of the time. The last time I went Chernobyl on anyone I moved back from California to Ohio. Sometimes, less than once in a blue moon (maybe twice a decade) I wonder if I need therapy because of all the things I’m not doing. Out of all the parents of my daughter’s friends, I am the responsible one. I’m the one that ends up taking kids home because their parents are sleeping or stuck in Cleveland. I’m the one they ask the awkward questions to because their parents would blow a gasket. My house is the one they come to because they are tired of being yelled at or told to do stupid things and then do them again but differently. I’m not sure if single mothers out there are crazy… but I know a hell of a lot of parents in general that are definitely not anywhere near as stable as I am.

Single and Happy? Yes!
Shaming the Single Mom (Do we all secretly think single moms are crazy?)